Thursday, November 30, 2006

Flowers are Red

There is so many things that I could say about this song....about how much it has influenced me for so many years, since I heard it for the first time so many years ago.....who Harry Chapin was....why he and so many folk musicians have been such a good influence in my life....and what Im continuing to learn about folk music all around the world....why sometimes songs can have such a powerful message....I think this one speaks for itself.

Flowers are Red
by Harry Chapin

The little boy went first day of school
He got some crayons and he started to draw
He put colors all over the paper
For colors was what he saw
And the teacher said.. What you doin' young man
Im paintin' flowers he said
She said....It's not time for art young man
And anyway flowers are green and red
Theres a time for everything young man
And a way it should be done
Youve got to show concern for everyone else
For you're not the only one

And she said....
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
Theres no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen

But the little boy said....
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

Well the teacher said.... You're sassy
Theres a way that things should be
And youll paint flowers the way they are
So repeat after me....

And she said....
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
Theres no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen

But the little boy said....
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

The teacher put him in the corner
She said.. It's for youre own good..
And you wont come out 'till you get it right
And are responding like you should
Well finally he got lonely
Frightened thoughts filled his head
And he went up to the teacher
And this is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
Theres no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen

Time went by like it always does
And they moved to another town
And the little boy went to another school
And this is what he found
The teacher there was smilin'
She said painting should be fun
And there are so many colors in the flower
So lets use every one

But the little boy painted flowers
In neat rows of green and red
and when the teacher asked him why
This is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
There's no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

This Could Be Trouble

Im not saying there is anything easy about being rejected, excluded, and seen as in significant. Its not easy. It sucks. I understand it. Thats just it. I dont understand much about the achievemnet of the goal of being listened to.... of being heard..... : 0 : )

I know stuff that Ive got to find a way to exopse and I will find a way to do that. Societies rejects need a voice and there can never be too many. I have dedicated the rest of my life to this cause. However, to be honest, Im not very accostomed to being listened to.

I have spent many years collecting evidence of what I know is going on that needs to be exposed. I have made lots of inferences on blog post without being specific. Thats the wrong approach. Ive deleted over 100 essays (blog post) that I....well I had the write goal (and I will achieve it) but thats not the right approach. Im struggling to find the right approach. Ive now got Protection and Advocacy lawers telling me not to write stuff but they wont tell me what I *can* do. Ultimatly, Im not going to sit on what I know forever. Sometimes, I see other peoples blog post and I want tell all I know.... so bad it hurts. I mean it hurts bad. Do you know how many years I watched stuff happen....and I didnt know anything about computers nor was there anybody I could tell. I knew people cared and I knew I am responsible to tell to help those being hurt.... but what could do.

Getting married changed everything. But now I have a way to do what I always wanted to and knew I should....and I have to bite my tounge, stiffle my typing fingers, stay quiet about what I know.( for now but not forever!) It aint easy.

As Ive written before my blogging challenges are well worth the effort. They are different than I thought though. I thought if I ever got into comments and stuff, the bullies would be a constant challange. Not that that couldnt happen still, but thats not happening now. Instead I dont know how to show respect for people who have respected me! Really, Im usually cluless about what to do. I wish people people would just respectfully tell me steps....let me ask simple questions....ask me simple questions....I dont mind working hard but just tell me how....because I dont know how....Ill never learn by quietly processing stuff....I need simple steps....cant we help each other? I know I have something to offer. I just need steps.

The other thing that I realized this morning is that while I will always fight to change the circumstances of those seen as insignificant....I dont know how to deal with having what I say being seen as significant. This is a challenge I wasnt expecting. I dont know how to do this. If you learn to yell from the bottom of a well....and then one day you find that you have a more elevated position....and all you know how to do is yell....then you just alienate people who cant stand the really doesnt matter wheather they know why you are doingwhat you are....I mean they may actually hear you and you just need to speak more softly so they can stand it.... Im so grateful for such challenges.

Parents....what do I know about parenting and autistic kids....My wifes sons are 31 and 29. They were grown when we met. Theyre still trying to figure out, "Where did you find this one Mom?" I like them both alot and actually we are becoming better friends but.... Her oldest is a 31 year old officer in the Navy. The 29 year old is a successful stock broker. We do pretty well for having so little in common. I mean its like, what do I say.... "Im going to get a high school diploma and learn to be a writer.....and I blog....about autistic stuff..." : / We are doing pretty well for as little as we have in common.

So Im often thinking that parents would rather think that their kids will grow out of what I havent. Being simple about how I express myself actually works real good in married life though. Maybe me and parents of autistic kids could start there. Thats a practiacal thing that I know about and I can tell parents about how that works. Just ask me. Really, I mean it. Ask me. Im not sure how we are going to get started otherwise. Ill keep working on it.

So, this morning Im going through a blog where I learn alot. Its this parent who is very wise about bringing up her kids and her writing is real interesting. Im always looking for some way that I might comment on these pages....and then it hit me....Im going through the links that she has in the right hand side of the page which is where I find new blogs( Im going to have to learn to do that on my page)....and much to my surprise as I open my eyes.... Eds autism page....WHAT? This changes everything :) :0 I mean, Im pretty sure its the only one like it, but still....

I have recorded melt downs on my page. You should see some of what I was writing 6 months ago.(its been deleted) I mean how can I keep yelling as though Im at the bottom of a well if somebody is actually listening. Yelling could allienate rather than establish connections ....which is what Im wanting to do. Im not going to debate. I mean I really think that if we dont regulate ourselves we will be regulated by less desirable others but Im no debater.How do I establish connections?Thats what I want to know.

Some people have told me that they hear me....What if its true??!! This could be trouble. But not all trouble is bad. This could be good trouble! Either way, I have some reevaluating to do.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


One thing that Ive always said Id never do is debate. Alot of the ideas and veiws I have held for along time are not ones that I have ever debated. I can see how those that are into debating could see that this makes my veiws less valid or even totally invalid.

Maybe those that think that are right. However, I dont think that its that simple. I guess it has to do with what your goals are. I think that having veiws or even expressing veiws that you are not willing to debate can better help you make decisions about what you want or need to do. Its just that you wont find support for your veiws or if you do it wont mean much.

Its fair as long as you tell people that thats what your doing. I wasnt sure that I wanted to continue doing it. Its lonely sometimes. Sometimes when I compare what I do to the more social comparisons that others allow their veiws to be subjected to, I become intoxicated with my own verbage. Theres nothing productive about that.

Before I ever saw a computer the paper I used to scribble my ideas on what would have filled....there was a lot of these papers....

I cant deny that my veiws are developed by wacthing others develope theirs within an arena of debate. I do that. It feels a little like stealing. Not that Ive ever been paid money (as money) for what I write but thoughts are things and I benefit from the efforts of others. Im not sure how I can give back in a way that pays for what I receive. Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I can extract some comfort in knowing not everyone explores these things like I do. Still its not enough.

There is a socialogical componant to why I make the decisions I make that alot of people dont have. Knowing that has its advanatges. When I was growing up I was subjected almost nonstop to a particular set of veiws that were not only coming from the authority figure in my life but he was also expressing those veiws from a pulpit. Never being very social and being subjected to that environment in the way that I was, meant that writing stuff down and exporing what it meant to me was my only survival.

Also those athoritative veiws were not accepted by anyone as the final athority on anything. No, they were heavily debated where blue collar men without much formal education had little opportunity to feel athoritative. The result was an intellectual arena of heated debate that served NO ONE! Women became a part of it but not so much back then.

People spouted their veiws and divided themselves not for any common goal. Maybe it was wrapped up with such a design but thats not at all how it worked out. Ultimately it was competition, pure and simple....but oh so complicated. Anger and hatred tore at the souls of people claiming to save souls. The illusionary dressing they intended to project was identified by most as being a contest where the veiw that stood the test of time (which was never more than very temporary in that environment) displayed the "owner" of that veiw as better and more deserving. All it ever really did was tear down others and weaken the voice and the self respect of the person expessing their veiw....superfulous nonsense....glorification of a vain and greedy existance.

What was the burden of the guilt of these peoples projections and the feeling of abandonment of what they conveiniently called my rebelion....along with what was a biological disinterest in competion and an inability to do school work (and/or the lack of an environment to really learn about my scholastic skills and the fact that I hated school for other reasons)....I guess you could say that these things factor into who I am today.

Honestly though, as much as I seek now to overcome my circumstances, I wouldnt trade my biological make-up and what I leaned from those experiances for anything.... Therein lies the rub.

What has always been seen by others as the *disposition* of who I was born as, and the environment I endured or survived, is not how I see myself at all. Im not lazy or dispassionate. I cant imagine anyone being more motivated and more passionate than I am today. I wish that I could harness half of what I feel. Am I a bleeding hearted liberal? By way of contrast, I cant think of any label I could more proudly wear. :)

There were reasons that I would say that placed me in some of the environments that Ive found myself as an adult. But I wouldnt trade those experiances either. Ive examined people who are discarded and forgotten by the majority. I dont find them to be lazy or less motivated. I would go so far as to say that most of them arent even victims. At least not as much as others are victims of vanity, greed and pride. The difference has more to do with what external comforts are not provided those who are seen as the victims of "motivation". These people are also not seen as deserving by the misguided who misplace their respect. The value and respect of mainstrem society is burdened by what is seen as beautiful and worthy of glory. Most even claim that the struggle produced such *earned*glory. I disagree.You cant pull up the economic bottom by glorifying the top. But this isnt just limited to economy.This notion is only used as a method of judgement that will conveiniently dismiss those who are seen as inconveinient. This *veiw* is what is ultimately societies burden. The veiw ultimately cost everyone.

Many of societies rejects have retained their valuable identity of diversity and their caring nature rather than sell whats really important.

How could anybody have such primitive veiws of the world? I guess youd have to be me to understand....but Im not alone in my veiws. Its just that the multitude that believes like I do dont have much of a voice...................which brings me to my point.

I want my voice to be heard but I have trouble finding examples to follow that share my values. I am finding some that are more likly to do that....which is why Im struggling.

Not every debater is cold, and intellectually stuggling for the glory of the illusion of dominance. If I thought that I wouldnt be working so hard to find my place amongst them. There are just some things I wont give up to do that. I think that this is a good strugle. Thats why Im devoting so much effort to it.

Monday, November 27, 2006


My doing this blogging has a point. How it started and where I am with it has been quite a journey. I guess Ive been stuck with it alot. However, I cant imagine where Id be had I never started.

There is a movement for autism advocacy. I cant ignore that I feel its very important. I cant ignore also that my reading about it is very limited to a certain group and even more certain sites. Thats how I learn best and thats where I learn best. Thats it.Broading my horizens would actually (in my case) isolate me even more from the exess data Id have to calculate.

Even with those few sources, it keeps me trying to understand where the continuity of thought is. There is a thread. Its not completly too abstract or too mobile to identify. I dont think it is and I dont think it should be. I just need to refine my methods. I going through all the links and terms that people are giving me. I really appreciate it. But a quiet student, Ill never be. :) Me and my work must be a work in progress. It just has to be that way.I know people wont always agree but I do see the need for people to band together for a good cause.

I would never want do what the writers I read are doing. I know I could never keep up with all that they do. Im willing to admit that this isnt easy for them and I respect what they work really hard to do. They deserve a great deal of credit. Whether we all can or we all have to? Theres got to be a place in all this for me somewhere.

I dont want to interact beyond what I can participate effectively on. Stretching? Yes, Im willing to do that. Its good to do that. But I mean the Wright brothers believed in mans ability to fly also. If someone had had walked up to them and said, "You guys are behind the times. Jet planes have already been invented. Just go over and climb into that one over there and pilot it across the ocean. Running around the beach with your bicycle and fragile wings, waiting for a strong wind is pretty silly, dont you think?" Thats kind of how I feel.

To write without learning how the majority is looking at stuff and what is propoganda would be to not only repeat the negative stereotype, it would make my veiw not worth much or not very effective.

People who have participated in this process of blogging with me have been more than kind. Sometimes I wonder if Ive shown them the same respect that theyve shown me. But thats why Im still working on this. Otherwise it wouldnt matter so much.

You know when I discovered this medium of blogging, and comments etc. I thought it would be the bullies that made things difficult for me. While they are sometimes sad to watch and sometimes even laughable, they dont present me with so much of a challange. I never dreamed it would be those that encouraged me that made it so difficult to descide *how* to participate. Thats a GOOD challange, no matter how you look at it. Thats why Im trying to find my way.

1) First of all, my autism diagnosis was more comprehensive than alot of peoples. I was fortunate enough to get some people to make sure that it wasnt too glossed over. It is autism and not aspergers but that doesnt mean so much since Im learning that aspergers doesnt mean much. I was naive enough to think that the comprehensive effort would finally better define supports that I needed. Unfortunatly, it wasnt comprehensive enough and worse still they have just used the complexity of it to claim that I was too complicated of a case for anyone to be expected to work with. They have gone to great lenghths to get rid of me. "Get rid" may seem like a severe term. Trust me, its not. I also know how big the problem is.( at least I know better than most)

When specialist are too acostomed to being like a hammer, you cant expect them to see you as much more than another nail. Either way, youre screwed.

2)I was born breech, C section, anoxia, and left the hospital with the prediction of the labels of spastic and cerebral palsy.Such movement differences are presented in different ways.
3)When I was 11 and 12 I spent two years before puberty shut down. My body weight was less than 70 lbs. at one point I was hospitalized for a full month of test and intraveinous feeding that resulted inthe eventuality of exploritory surgery, and the conienient words of doctors (pscho somatic). Puperty happened in a matter of days it seems. I went from very weak to the stregth of 10 men almost over night. I guess the doctors just figured I was scared of puberty.
I pretty much skipped 5th and 6th grade and was out of school by the 9th. I wasnt doing anything in school anyway. I never even figured out what I was doing there in the first place.
4) As far as movement goes, many times my depression takes on a profound inertia. During one period of this I was institutionalized and this depression that presented such profound inertia, that I accepted a series of ECT treatments. It pulled me out of the depression but left me clumbsier than ever. Within a week after the treatments I made a clumbsy move on a moped in traffic without a helmet. Clumbsy accidents that involved head trauma are about 10 now.
5)Tartive dyskenesia due to the WRONG medicines for more than 20 years probably factors into movement, and my methods of reasoning as well.
6) Seizures due to.... I dont know what all.... Im actually having something over the past several years that I can idetify as absense seizures. They mess up enough stuff when its just my wife having to talk me out of one or my mother trying to do it over the phone. Getting on the internet and having my wife or mother trying to explain how something I said might have been taken wrong or what context somone else was writing in and what I might have missed....they both think my internet activity is good for do I....anything is better than alot of the stagnation I was involved with before. However, Im often very confused.
7)Dyslexia and vision problems. I was diagnosed early in life with that. I would often have a lazy eye. Id wear a patch over the other eye. Its way more than just transposing letters ( though thats part of it).Really, I dont know how I read. I wish I could better define it. The bottom line is that I dont really read. I wish somebody would tell me how to create a larger font on my own comments so I could better see what others and even myself is writing in my own **** comments.
8) Discalculia. I really apreciate people helping me try to understand things. That one dont work. Autistic are better at math? Not good enough. I have a very clear genetic connection to autism and algerbra is all Greek to me. Im very much of a systemizer so my inability to do algerbra has nothing to do with anything like my inability to calculate. It may be a place to start but theres got to be more to it than that. Autism isnt just an impractical, loosly defined diagnosis. Maybe it is in lots of cases. But it can also just be part of the over all picture. The point that I agree with alot of others on is that it shouldnt be a place to stop looking (as it often is). It should be a place to start for people who are looking for practicalities. And it can be practical. Im sure it can.
8) Im adding a #8 to write etc. There are actually some other factors that fit into all this, but Im not ready to go there today.

The point is that Im not complaining. If it comes off like that you really are missing my point. The point is that these things draw a picture that has doctors, specialists, and social workers saying that they cant be expected to try to find ways to work with somebody like me. Stagnet is what I got. What Im attempting to do is is meant to be liberating.

Ive realized lately that some of what I say may just be moving along side of what others are saying but its really not in opposition at all. Ill listen if somebody wants to help me out on getting better coordinated on that. Why would I want to oppose those whom I respect. I dont!

Lastly, my message is about how people are being dismissed in *calculating* and premeditated ways. Conveinience is where it starts but its much more than that. Its not just passive neglegent ways. Its aggressive. I know plenty are writing about that and Im trying to catch up with it all but I have something important to add.

Im sure that others know much more educated and refined methods of liberation that just identifying the enemy and fighting against what I see. I cant just sit back and wait until Ive learned all that. I cant even read most of it, much less comprehend it all. I also cant just make clumbsy attempts at understanding whats on other peoples pages. No one could survive that. Theres got to be a better way.

If it cames to having to choose between a better approach that I cant comprehend....that leaves me feeling stuck, stagnet, and even apathetic, or fighting in the only way I know how....then yes, I choose to fight.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Middle

Yeh, Im going to ramble here....maybe even rant a little....sometimes brief just dont cut it.

Feel free to comment though. I mean sometimes my attention needs something better to focus on. You dont need to be on thread to comment on this blog. Maybe thats because youre less likely to find a thread. "Oh look, Eds going on and on again." It may be amusing but its not necessarily productive....

Where was I???? Oh yeh, the middle. The first time during my life time that there a U.S. president that wasnt....Lets move on....Clinton was consisidered a middle class president (or he was all about helping the middle class). Economic class.... now there is a spectrum that isnt recognising everybody on it!

If I need to claify again (as if its not real obvious), this page is not a place to find out how to help your autistic kid. Join me in learning from those who can help with that. Although Im not a parent Im learning from them. This is a page for thinking and the learning that results from thinking. I think. You think. Thinking is good. Get it?(but theres more too!)

Parents need better ways of evaluating how to help their kids. Some of us adults need to understand some of that stuff better too. Not making supports specific enough about diagnosis, spectrums that are too broad, treatments that are widly accepted and are not at all scrutinized, and worst of all perceptions that are leading to terrible things....EVEN MURDER!!!! nothing could be worse....I want to be encouraging awarness about this and seeking answers....Actually I dont even think that what Im writing here is on a different subject. I just want to add a point. This is the best way I know to do it.

Apathy and cruelty are whats fueling these problems. There is also a population that can never be discussed enough because it is so ignored.

In the town where I live,(in the U.S.) they have no idea how many people live here. Actually since the Katrina storm misplaced so many people the problem has gotten worse. Do you think that these forgotten people feel that any of their interest are being represented by anybody? Where do you think they go for medical care? Many of these kids arent even in schools. Many these parents arent really concerned so much with kids getting over diagnosed or under diagnosed(and they could benefit from diagnosis, if the support were appropriate and available). They would like any ecucational/ vocational/ or medical attention they could get.Some of these parents would like to teach thier kids that they dont have to beg or sometimes steal just to eat. Thats what education and vocation means to them. Some would like to know that they could call 911 about anything. Having something investigated? Forget about it.

Lots of countries dont want to know how many people there are living there. They dont want anyone to know. The people in power dont want the world to know that how they are using that power is part of the problem.

Building multi-million dollar homes puts people to work and stimulates the economy? That doesnt sound like a practical solution to me. Raising taxes lowers incentives? I have a hard time grasping that concept as well.

What about starving people all over the world? Ive just seen too much waste, lack of empathy, and worst of all money spent to HIDE the problem rather than deal with it, to ever believe that there is a lack of resources in the world.

Hiding the problem is what I know best about and thats where my voice has the most value.

I dont have the answers to the worlds problems. I think that everyone should try to make things better for themselves if that will ultimatly help everyone. I dont think that everyones solutions are really empathetic. Thats what Im saying.

Am I suggesting creating less incentives to the rich and giving more to the poor. Id like to find more ways to do that myself. I can see how that wouldnt work long term. However, I think that extremism must be met with balance. I really cant see how people believe that there isnt too much focus on*creating incetives* and not enough empathy and compassion for people who dont have anything. I know I want to do more.

I cant debate my political position. Im really not good at debating anything. While Im really struggling with acceptance that some things need to be debated....I must admit it still seems really superfulous to debate alot of things. Im going to have to work that out for myself.

What does this have to do with autism? Maybe I just want to stay reminded of these things no matter what else my mind is on. I am capable of forgetting these things. Mentally, spiritually, and physically, I cant afford to forget.

Also, (and this is where my real point is) I dont just want to go to work because I dont want to end up back on the streets or institutionalized, though thats part of it. I dont just want to go to work because Im married now and I want to help out more financially, though thats a BIG part of it. The thing is that I have a more important reason.

I know for an absolute fact, beyond any shadow of a doubt, I have lots of written proof of it....the United States is not just having problems with ineffectual programs for helping the disabled. Its not about the lack of funds. Its not all about things getting caught up with beaurocratic red tape. Thats not the problem. Too many people think it is and its not.
I am completly and 100% educated about this issue and I have a responsibility to share what I know. Ill find a way to do it.

The middle may be where the votes are and its better politically than the alternative. However, there is an agenda in place thats *why* I want to understand some stuff better. Me getting to work in the U.S. *AS* a person who is different CAN help others.

I dont understand the agenda yet but I know what I know. I know that what I know is important. For those of you who read my blog, please understand. I am trying to learn. Im sure that the more I learn will help me achieve my goal. But Ive been at this for a long time. Ive made alot of people angry for refusing to shut up about what I know. It means everything to me. It isnt all about me. I have an opportunity to change things but more importantly, I have a responsibility to do so....

Now, where was I.... oh yeh, ramblin, ranting, and nothing brief works too good....Im still there.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


Someone once told me not to delete some old blog post. They said that it was all a jouney and what I had written reflected that. Um.... Im thinking it really necessary to record a melt down?

Im thinking that meltdowns, like all other lifes experiance, *are* recorded in one way or another. Especially for people in the habbit of recording stuff. And people have to choose if they are going to be recorders or not.

Some people look at life as though it were a practice sport. I remember the first time I was at a social gathering where they were using a camcorder to record the days events. I kept thinking, this changes everything! The phrase, "Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans" kept running through my head.

Of course another trap is thinking that nothing that you say makes a difference or that you can fix whatever you break. That doesnt work.

I hate being stuck. Did I mention that? It makes sense to sit back and read and understand better whats going on before you participate online. However, for me, its not that practical. Since I dont read thoroughly like alot of people do, Im bound to learn alot of stuff by more (shall we say) intense methods.

Because I am this way, and I can recognize myself as being this way, I can make better decisions about what course to take. It also means that Im going to do things wrong and sometimes I going to offend people (sometimes based on how I feel I need to be defensive).Sometimes Im just not focusing enough on others or the others that really need my empathy and support. I end up not only not helping them the way I could and should, its very unhealthy for the individual who isnt externally focused enough. It doesnt always matter so much what my intensions are. What matters most is that I take responsibility for how what I do effects others as best I can on any given day. Its my only chance at survival in any social setting. I want to do more of that.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Empathy Divided

So often Im unware of what I see or what it means.
I really would like to be more productive but I probably will be pretty clumbsy about it. I mean as far as my online activity goes.(off line too but this is online)
I guess most people would have some method that people watch or interact with that is either more conventional or at least identifiable.

All I really know how to do is evaluate my conscience and make sure as I can that either Im caring enough or just hope that I can find my way to where I need to focus so that it is the most help to others. For anyone who reads what I write, I talk alot about how my eyes fail me. At the moment Im feeling completely blind. If youre not reading this, then what I say doesnt matter. But, if I dont understand something, I sure dont mind if someone tells me what I missed, who Im not helping, or who I might hurt.

It may be that my heart isnt acting at its best or focusing how it should. HOWEVER, (as is often the case) it may just be a visual problem Im having. Either way I cant afford for it to continue and if I my online activity is going to be worth something, none of us can stay sidetracked by the mistakes we sometimes make. There are too many things that are really important to be sidetracked by trivialities. I mean its not like I can really go somewhere online and ask somebody. It very well be just someting due to my vision....Really.

I hope that I can write things that are helpful to people but I have limited ways of finding things out. If I get off track please assume the best (that its just a visual issue of mine) but either way tell me about. If Im going to be productive online, I want to help people. In the grand scheme of things my visual issues are so trivial and Im feeling so foolish when I dont understand....So if you read this blog and see that I need to understand something, assume that I missed something because I coudnt read well enough. There arent enough people in the world who ARE empathetic for us those of us who are to have our empathy divided over trivial matters. Theres too much important stuff that we could be focusing on. If for now being on line is the best way I can use my time, please help me make it worth something. Ill keep working on it.

Location, Location, Location

What is the secret to success fo the Third Street Diner? Location, Location, Location. Of course this is realitive to the success of the other more favored diners in town. The First Street Diner being the most popular and the Second St. Diner ranking at #2.

Its important in life to recognise where you are, what your goals are, and what you are willing to do to achieve them. I am guilty of not considering some of these things lately. First of all I found out that there is a movement that is advocating for the rights of autistics. I thought that it had important ideals. I still do.

However, going on other peoples pages and presenting myself as a debater was not right. Nor was I being considerate of others in presenting myself that way. Its not that I think my opinions are better than others but in the arena of debate thats all they are. Within such an environment I will be just as guilty as anyone of intellectualizing my veiw and working to try to make it seem more valid. Those who do choose such environments are providing a vital and necessary function. Also while it may be difficult to listen and be willing to change your veiw within these environments there are some that do just that. Thats not an easy thing to do and I applaud there efforts. Whether they always accomplish such high ideals or even if they only accomplish such things occasionally.

Again it comes down to the individual, how they see where they are and what they want to accomplish. Many believe that being a part of any society or society as a whole means to be willing to be groomed by society and take your place within the pecking order of how a society operates....grooming and being groomed according to your place.

There is no room for extremism of fundamentalism within a truly educational environment.

No good teacher is going to describe there veiws to a class and demand that there be no dicussion about their veiws. Also no body expects a teacher to let a student give their veiw and then not allow others to refute what they have said. Thats not an environment for learning at all.

Actually maybe I shouldnt be writing. I mean only educated people read anyway.... right? And as I said educated people are going to always challange each other to a debate.

This decision of mine may be my right but it will certainly isolate me in ways that I wish it didnt. But, as I said, we all make choices. We cant have our cake and eat it too. Actually, I guess the attempt to have both excludes us from either.

I dont think that everyone who is sheltered and excluded does that to others. Instead I believe that the struggle to compete and the struggle to dominate is too much a part of all human culture. But I dont think that its a two way street or that people should be dicarded by society are described as worthless and rejected because they dont feel competive.

These people may seem like the monority now. It may even seem that personal responsibility is the answer to the problem. However, such methods that encorage blind compliance that are described as inclusion are ultimatly exclusive. It is a fight and somebody has got to do the fighting.... and be willing to be called whatever.... If that means not shuting up or not listening to others then I guess Ill have to take whatever my choices create.

Most people who are rejected by society wont tell you their opinion. Many dont have one....They may think that if what they think is ever validated, once it takes its place amongst the more educated veiw, they as people will be devalued right along with their opinion. Too often they are right. Thats exactly what happens.

These people may not listen to what you have to say. They may not read and they may not comment. There voice and there plight needs to be heard just the same. The standards need to change to include them for that to happen. The fight already exist. Fighting back is vital to everyones future.

My future may be uncertain but many of my goals arent. Im willing to accept where that takes me. Maybe I have other choices. I know plenty of people are thought of as having choices that dont *really* have them. Its just that seeing them as though they do is convienient. Lots of things in my life would be more convienient if I made other choices. Its just that there are certain luxuries about things that are more conveinient that Ive decided I cant afford. Thats where I am.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


How sophiticated is our world today? On a day that has been set aside to remember all that we are grateful for, I want to blog about warning....

I mean how can I be thankful for a warm house unless I remember that there are those without one? How can can I be thankful for having people in my life who love me without remembering those who are neglected and forgotten by so much of society? How can I be grateful for all the hope that I have in my life without remembering those who dont feel as much hope and are conveiniently neglected by an arrogent society that dismisss them as people.... choosing to claim that we have taken more responsiblity for our lives.... rather than looking at how society has been unwilling to make allowences for the less fortunate amongst us?

Are we more sophisticated than Nazi Germany? I mean they didnt drive Hummers or have cell phones or blogs....Would Hitler have had a blog page? Im not so sure he doesnt....or at least someone just like him. But Hitler wouldnt have been made post about hating autism or autistics or put down neurodiversity. I dont even think he would have talked about getting rid of a race of people or even the disabled or those that are considered weak amongst us. At least he wouldnt have started out that way. You see how hatred and discrimination is descibed in society is much more subltle than that. It begins now as it began subtle ways.

Those who are seen as our finest and our best are glorified while the more subtle message is that those who are not as good at these things which we place value on are really less valuable as people. We reward effort that we measure by an ever changing definition of what goals are worthy and how close people are seen to accomplishing those goals.... while the more subtle message is that those who arent on that path or as far down it are weak and lazy.

In 2006, while we have so many modern conveiniences, I think its important to remember that convieniance is also how people become devalued and forgotten. I think its important to remamber where that can lead. What has happened before can happen again....if we are careless, rather than careful....if we take the human experiance too much for granted....which leads to taking the humans that experiance it too much for granted. The joy of gratitude could never afford the conveiniance of forgetting this.
It never could and it cant now either.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Melting Pot

Is the U.S. a melting pot? Well its often about assimilating everyone into what makes things conveient for the majority but that often just means that everyone must accept their place. We as a society dont see everyone as just where they are. We instead judge them in terms of what we feel they should be able to do and how close we feel they get to meeting the expectations of those we place in positions of authority.

In evaluating the autism spectrum and its practical applications, that creates at least two catagories that need to be addressed. One is how describing it can help create educational and vocational supports for the diversity of autistics. The other is the social aspects of how such diversity can be accepted better in home and social settings. These two are not independant of each other. One effects the other and vice versa.

If the practical application is going to be better understood, there at least needs to be some acceptance that such differences presented by the different expressions described as autistim, in order to address how to create the acceptance that we are looking for. For me anyway, I dont feel that we can try and fix or cure the expression of autism and at the same time seek for society to adapt. Curing and fixing seems different than seeking acceptance. Mainly because *focusing* too heavily on fixes and cures will not create more societal acceptance. Instead it ultimately demands that the autistic expression be changed. Personal responsibility doesnt really allow for differences.

Instead when the veiw of something about someone being different is too much about something that needs to change, it will ultimately be looked at as personal responsibity. We need to accept that people can and will accept personal responsibility but not as long as societal expectations are too limiting for their differences.

We as a nation and as a world are a melting pot of conformist. We evaluate people based on their performance that is directly related to what the majority has ruled is the accepted method of perfomance and the necessity of the service or product that is produced. True inclusion of the uniqueness of the autistic experiance and the expressions that will often be the result of such unique expressions needs to be better defined to create more practical outlets.

Its not just about societal inclusion or the educational/vocational adaptation that are needed for autistics. Instead it about all that and more. Assimilation has never been accepting of societal responsibility. It has always been about inclusion. It becomes exclusion when those who dont fit fail to meet the expectations.

There is plenty of support to go around. Its never been about the lack of anything that we dont already have. Its about that we are not making what is needed available to everyone because of societal pride that inhibits the imagination that is needed for true inclusion.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Hatred Has No Boundries

Hatred has no boundries. Neither does the human race. Ultimately its all or nothing. Either we all are worthy or none of us are. Catagorizing humans is ultimately a futile proposition as long as you attach more value to some than others. Humanitys very existance depends on us being all inclusive. Difference is about difference, not worth.

Hatred is destructive and it will always lead to the destruction of all humanity. If you hate autistics or any where you draw the lines of difference, buddy, you hate you. That doesnt matter who you are or what label you attach to yourself or anyone. No liberation of any people is complete until or unless it includes everyone. Diversity is the only answer and hatred will always be contrary to who we ALL are as people. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to figure things out....Im just glad I did.

Different is as Different Does

Difference always does. It moves along a pattern that is not always understood. Even the designers of a plan dont know exactly what the end result will be. However, all movement produces something and all life moves. It moves at different rates and in different ways. Sometimes the movement isnt worth our attention. We all have to make our own decisions about where we choose to focus but its important to remember that the movement that we may not understand may indeed have a more profound effect on our environment than is noticed by our first glance.

Sound is defined by the type of frequencies that vibrate our ear drums. However, the five senses humans are described as having dont even begin to describe the vast awareness that is at our disposal. Read the work of Henry David Thoreu and discover how someone might profounly describe their observations of nature. What inspired him in how he observed things has inspired so many to listen in ways they may have never thought of.

Human nature and how its defined, is sometimes so limiting. Sometimes its so frusterating to understand so much that you cant put into words. But oh how liberating it can be to ways that typical listening somehow hasnt provided.... when the light bulb comes on....the skies open up and the birds begin to sing....and you just know. I mean you know that you know that you know that you know....and then you know that the more you know only opens the door to the infinite possibilities, and so the the cycle begins again.

Sometimes I wonder if physical laws could adapt to our understanding so that we could hear a tree would that change our perceptions of sound? How would that change how we see trees? Many of us pass by trees everyday and never contemplate their existance. We arent concious of their growth. We just take for granted that they do indeed grow.

Then sometimes we try to grow something. Have you ever thought how silly that sounds? *WE* grow things. People never grow anything. We can encourage growth based on what we perceive is the best path that growth should occur, but we cant make something grow.

People are like that too. We can encourage the growth in the ways that we feel that it should occur but there are always too many variables to consider to be sure in what direction a person will grow or at what speed it will occur....what choices are appropriate....what goals they seem to have....Sometimes it may even seem that they dont have goals....but we can never be sure....and we can never truly evaluate all the variables we need to to determine the worth of a persons expression and what effect it will have in the grand scheme of things....Sometimes I think we make these judgements too quickly and there is a price for our rush to judgement....Sometimes we need to just listen and resist our impulse to judge too quickly or too harshly.

We may be completly surprised as to what paths will occur that we werent expecting. We may feel that a path that someone chooses is moving too slow or is going in a direction that isnt best....We may be right and we cant put off all judgements or we will cease to exist.

Im not preaching here. Preaching never helped me do anything. All Im saying is that sometimes our judgement needs to be open to more possibilities. I know mine does.

We are too often drawn to what we see as the strongest, the fastest, and the best. However, there are so many subtlties that occur in our presence everyday that would profit from our attention and our encouragement. Sometimes its just about acknowledging that what we see in people has worth and validity. Sometimes just the acceptance of the diverse expressions that people make and the validity of where that might go and how fast they might get there may just remind us of where they are. Maybe sometimes thats enough.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Medical Model

Is it TOO late? Anybody want to help me out here? Im getting the idea that maybe somebody is reading my blog now. I really appreciate that some people are accepting that I truly do have compassion for others and that I want to be the best humanitarian I can be. The respect is really appreciated. It is always better to start off letting people know your heart is in the right place but I still think Im missing something.

Better I learn what that is here by people who respect my humanitarian spirit than try discussing what I dont understand somewhere else and get hurt or ( even worse) offend someone else because of something I just dont understand. I am fully aware that no one can go through life never offending anyone but as some who might be reading this might already have already noticed, I tend to learn things the hard way.

Now, Im not expecting for that to change today and I wont learn all that I need to in one day. Those things describe the other extreme. I just hoping for a little balance. Thats all.

The medical model of autism describes in it in ways that are not productive. Either its LFA vs. HFA or its a set of psychological or pathological symptoms that lead to all kinds of stereotypes and that leads to the very worst treatment of autistic imaginable....extinction being the worst. Neurological or biological descriptions lead to everything from wasteful expense, extreme behvioral treatments, and stuff like chealation that can be extremely dangerous.

Now Ive seen plenty of the negative stereotypes and dealt plenty with exclusion and the prejudices of not fitting in. Ive been doing the psych meds endless counter-productive roller coaster that has caused a great deal of physical problems and total lack of trust of doctors sice I was 11 years old. The institutions in my case werent even about care. Actually a couple of the ones I was in were closed down and described as the worst in the country. If this seems pityful its not. Not at all.

I am very fortunate to be alive. I seek to always display an attitude of gratitude because thats really how I feel. I am living beyond my wildest dreams. Im happily married and Im more hopeful than I ever thought I could be.

I want to work O.K. Im not educated and I at least have to start with these things from where I am. I am very respectful of people who have overcome many of the challenges that I havnt (yet). It doesnt really matter why I am where I am. However, to not accept where I am in order to use it as a stepping stone to move forward, only serves to keep me where I am by conforming to the expectations of others and continuing to not meet them. Its not that I cant do things, but at least I cant for right now and I at least need to see it that way in order to move forward.

I taught myself somethings that arent going to work as far as my contiuing my education or achieving a practical vocation. It would be defeatist of me to say otherwise. Im sure that once I get started in a truly productive way Ill move past alot of things quickly but there is no use in going over what hasnt worked in the past.

Practically speaking I cant read. All that means is that my method of reading needs to be evaluated so that I can relearn to read in a way that I can practically use to move forward. The G.E.D. isnt practical for me. It assumes that I have learned too many things that I havent. I know what Im speaking of from experiance. Beleieve it or not, many of my educational abilities are ranked at around 3rd or 4th grade. I have tried algerbra many times and havent found a place where I can begin.

I want to create educational supports for myself and others and the way autism is described is a good way to get those supports in place. My mother is a special education teacher. She doesnt live near me. We talk on the phone and she wants to help. She has always been partially deaf but now its to the point that we are trying to set up a web cam and learn american sign language as she begins to teach me school work. I plan to use my blog to network with people who are homeschooling and trade ideas. I know its different with children but I think this can be productive for everyone involved.

As far as the autism diagnosis for the medical practicalities, Im thinking its going to at least need to be better defined. What are movement disorders, seizure disorders, and where does autisms movement and sensory issues fit or does the autism diagnosis have no practical application for medicines and movement issues?(thats a question) Also am I not thinking practically when I discuss my experiances on line because my goals are not practical, I describe my situation in ways that ultimately increase peoples negative stereotypes of autism, or what? Is placing a cut off point between autism and neurotypical too dangerous for me to associate myself too closely with that label? If I am seen to be seeing things that I can see better Ill listen. If the way Im descibing my situation is counter-productive to how autism *should* be seen, maybe I need to make some adjustments in how I describe myself and ultimately how I approach my goals.


Whats the point in labeling a person? Society cant cure anything unless they start with their (our) ignorance. By ignorance I am refering to how people ignore.

So often people claim to be descibing what they see as weak in order to strengthen the majority. Has that ever worked? Actually, I think that the claim itself is a way to dodge what people are really thinking and what their real objective is for putting someone down. The real reason is that it makes them look better. Actually it really doesnt do that but because its so common and so rarely acknowleged for what it really is, its destructive force is more damaging than what are considered "natural disasters" like storms and the like.

There are so many ways that people put people down that most of them are just accepted as part of the if to try to do otherwise is the result of people being overly sensitive. Will we ever learn? Is the ozone just overly sensitive. If it is, we might as well just ignore our enviromental neglegence and keep our eyes on the prize. Our economy cant ultimately afford neglegence and ignorance! When will we learn?

Blogging often leaves me stuck....If I told my whole story it would make a difference but Im not so sure I should. How much of it to tell is a daily question. I make assumptions. Everyone does. All I feel I can really do is pay attention to my attitude toward others. I mean I cant judge someone else and say that if I were them I would make different choices. There are too many varibles to consider. The best anyone can do is make the assuptions that we all have to make in ways that we feel will be the most respectful and hope that if we mess up, that they give us another chance. Thats the best I feel I can do.

When a person accepts a label, I think that what is most important is that the way you indentify yourself or let others identify you, doesnt come at someone elses expense. Thats not always easy but I also think that the opposite is just too conveinient. I think that it cost everyone too much. It puts a burden of the person whos putting the other person down. It cost the person being put down. But ultimately it creates a great burden on everyone and all of society suffers as a result.

One of my beliefs that Ive never been able to explain is this: Ive never met a lazy person. Before you discount what Im saying, let me try again to explain.

I have a great deal of difficulty finding a task, developing steps to complete it, and finally staying focused on that task when it isnt clear what the steps are. However, once those things are in order, I take to work like a fish takes to water. I love it. I mean Im happier than anyone in the world. The task actually takes on a devine nature. All that I am is in cordination with what is beyond the confines of my ability. The joy this brings goes beyond any kind of pride or even accomplishment. It doesnt make me insignificant. It makes me completly significant. It makes everyone and everything completly significant. This experiance is such a profound statement ,that for me, it is all too rare.

I have of course been called lazy. Ive never been called lazy by anyone who has known me very long or anyone who has ever watched me work. I LOVE to work and I rarely get the chance. The question though, goes beyond me. My understanding and true respect for work creates such a joy for me that I cannot, and will not, ever accept that anyone is lazy. The reward of just being at one with a task and a part of its completion has convinced me that no one who had ever experianced it would choose anything else.

I wish I could tell more of my story. But I know that I know that I know, what Im talking about.

There is no shame that a person should ever feel because they do not work. Such shame that a person feels based on how others see them because of what they are seen to do or not do, is instead what society should bare and no individual deserves to feel this imposed guilt. It is all too conveinient. I wish that I knew what words could better express this.

Yes, people have the right to feel good about their accomplishments. But when people feel good at someone elses expense, everyone pays. Work is a right and a priviledge and all efforts and all expressions have worth.

I have developed this belief over many years and too often much heartache. If you could go to some of the places Ive been....stare into some eyeballs of some of societies rejects and tell me that they are lazy....knowing otherwise is a gift that I will always treasure and never forget.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


This is our cat. Her name is Anna. We give her lots of love and attention and we get alot of that in return. She was born in Greece. We are so fortunate to have her.
Ive been wanting to figure out how to put pictures on my blog and just stumbled on this way this morning. Ill see how it works. My wife has this file on the comuter of pictures of our cat and I accessed it pretty easily. Now I didnt get Annas written consent but shes never been very shy. I think that she is happy about me putting her picture on my blog.
Just yesterday she climbed up on the table in front of the key board here and looked at me as if to say, " What are you crying about? That song is almost as old as you are. That painter lived along time ago. Autism accepptance, the journney, blah, blah. blah. Why dont you do something productive like showing people my picture?"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

It Just Is

I worry about people who never cry. Of course one never really knows but sometimes when I hear people laughing, there seems to be something missing....Its hard to describe. It kind of reminds me of a floral print that you find at a drug store sale. Its just a little TOO pretty. There is no funk. The extreme attempt to present *pretty* creates the opposite effect for the lack of balance.

This morning I felt the need to go online and listen to Don Mcleans Starry Starry Night. I listened to it 3 times and had a good cry. Im not sure that everyone really knows what a good cry really is. Im not talking about a joyful cry. Im also not talking about depression or pity. I guess that what Im talking about seems to escape just the right words for the moment.

I copied down some of the words to the song Starry Starry Night that Ive kept close for many years.

One sentance was: I could have told you Vincent, This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
The chorus goes:
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps theyll listen now

and then at the end of the song, the last two lines of the chorus are changed to:
Theyre not listening still
Perhaps they never will

Now I can see how some may understand the words as someone who has accepted defeat. However to me, true acceptance of defeat would have been to never have written the song in the first place.

The song was an even bigger international hit than Mcleans American Pie. In 1972 it reached #1 in the UK and #12 in the USA.
Van Gough was reported to have only sold one painting during his lifetime. He painted Starry Night while in an Asylum. Some have suggested that his seizure activity influenced how he painted that one. I cant help thinking of that when I look at the print. Looking at it brings up so many emotions in me. I cant identify them all but I can identify the result.

Its not pretty. Its not ugly. Its not happy. Its not sad. In the end the result of such an experiance is always the same....acceptance. It just is.

So, Im thinking about how this relates to the experiance of the acceptance of autism. I read all the time about how parents are dealing with their emotions of how they are seeing their autistic child and their journey toward acceptance. I wish more were written about what the child might be experiancing during this adjustment.

Maybe not being a child or a parent you think that such things dont apply to me. I disagree.

My mother and *I* are working through this kind of thing now. I dont think either of us knew enough about it to really work through it when I was a child. Its going well but it is a process. I live far away from my mother but we talk everyday on the phone(our long distance program is set up for that). We are trying to get a web cam thing set up. Shes partially deaf. We are even considering learning sign language to use with the web cam.
By the way, my mother is 72 and she just learned to swim last year. Its never too late for some things!

Ill never forget about 1 year after I got married, my wife was very hurt about a certain emotional response of mine. I remember thinking that it wasnt as bad as she thought and that my response was every bit as connected as she wished. It was just being presented in a way that she wasnt used to. No matter the practical understanding that I had about it, I couldnt help but wish that I could give her exactly what she wished from me.We both cried.
In that moment, did we both wish that I was more typical? ABSOLUTELY!

Several months ago I found a list on a web site that described 10 positive things that were common amongst autistics. My mother made copies and gave them to all her friends.

I could hardly wait to show the list to my wife when she got home that day. She read the list. Then she gave me a hug and told me that my simple way of expressing things was soooo refreshing. She said that it meant so much to her and that she wouldnt trade it for anything in the world.

I think others show more facial expression and the like when they tell someone they love them. Im sure I show alot less. When I tell my wife I love her, she has no doubt that I do. I even think that someone who showed more or different expressions would not be more convincing in this case. When she doesnt know what Im saying, she can rest easy that its not because Im trying to be obscure or play head games. In the end, its a package deal. Not better or worse. It just is.

I think life is a package deal. I think people are too. Thats what acceptance means to me. Cry when you have to. Laugh when you can. Keep your eyes on the journey and the acceptance that results will bring the ultimate joy.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Party Line

When I was a kid, we had a telephone system called a party line. Actually, where we lived was so rural that even the fire department was on that line. That means that if you wanted to make a phone call, you had to wait your turn like everyone did. If there was a fire, I guess you just told everyone who happened to be on the phone at the time to get off the phone so you could report it.

I remember back then thinking that everyone in the world used that line. Most everyone in my world actually did. Well, Im all grown up now and my world is alot bigger. However, this internet thing is realitively new to me. To say that Im experiancing a whole new level of culture shock is an understatement.

I love to laugh. Probably because without laughter Im too prone to taking myself too seriously. Ive found that lots of comedians and even writers and poets use humor for the same reason. It helps them from taking themself too seriously also.

Like everything, humor has its limits. I believe that respect is important. I try to give people respect and its what I want in return. Call it the golden rule .You may even say its a religious belief of mine....but I believe that deep down everyone wants to be respected. Maybe that sounds too idealistic but I think its a good way to look at the world.

The trouble is that although everyone wants respect, not everyone knows the best way to go about getting it. That includes me. I hope to keep learning more about that.

When this computer showed up not too long ago, and my wife showed me how to do some things with it....I had no idea....really, I mean I had NO idea....REALLY, I may be a while before the reality of the vastness of the internet really sinks into my thinking....

I see myself as a fighter. Thats how I see myself in a respectful way. I have a great deal of respect for fighters. While my eyes fail me in other ways, Ive always said I could spot a fighter from a mile away. Now that this electronic box (computer) has become a part of my life, Im finding that I have the ability to recognise these kinds of people that I respect, all the way across oceans....even if Im not always sure of the best way to show the respect Id like to.

I guess what I really I want to say is that now that Ive found some people that I respect so much....I am seeing that there is a whole lot more to what Ive been fighting for for so long. Also, there are alot of people who have already paved some roads that will make things better for everyone....some of these things are things that I havent taken into consideration....and consideration is where all respect begins.

It will take me a while to learn how to be more supportive but its important to me and Im the kind of person who will work really hard for things that I think are, thanks....


I wish my life had a rewind and delete button. There are plenty of lessons in life that can be learned from mistakes. However, sometimes Im just wondering if they ALL have to be that way.

I guess some lessons are learned better when they are learned the hard way. When I have some pain to relate to the experiance, the lesson does tend to stick with me better. Believe me, I know. Boy oh boy, do I ever know.

You know of all the things that thought I might ever do in my life, I can honestly say I never thought I would do anything like blogging. It does have a practical application in my life. Anyone who participates in the process with me will find out what that is, right along with me. Although its sometimes frustrating, its also exciting.

Ive been thinking of how many of the ways my physical body can be catagorized as a movement disorder or disorderly movement. Certainly some aspects of that kind of thing are uncomfortable and I wish I had better control over siezures and stuff. I guess some, or even all, of that can be considered a neurodiversity. That doesnt mean that Im comfortable with every aspect of who I am and even what I think. Anyone who knows about seizures and movement disorders knows that its never about stagnation or extreme jerks (for lack of better words to describe them) and it always about that at the same time.

When I think of my own physical movement, Im always striving for the ideal balance that creates a more graceful experiance. You know what I mean?

So, when I think about neurodiversity as a movement, I am reminded of the same thing. Stagnation and jerks are couter-productive to a movement just like the management of someones personal body movement. I hope that my thoughts about such things never become to stagnet. Otherwise, I will be more subjected to jerks. Im talking about the external (like people who are best described as jerks) and the internal ones (like the result of my constitution becoming too stagnet).... if you know what I mean.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Im a WHAT?

O.K. Ill have to admit this is one post where being more descriptive with my language without cursing is difficult. Im trying to find better words than some of the old ones Ive learned....emotions seems to impede progress in that area sometimes....this is one of those times. If it helps you to understand what Im saying here or it just helps you to realize that this is written with alot of emotion, feel free to imagine a **** inserted in which ever sentance you need to to help it make better sense.

O.K. whats a yahoo group? What is yahoo 360? Is the problem with discussing autism as a neurodiversity, the fact that people are stuck between the extremes. Has autism become such a pathological diagnosis that people can only see it in terms of treatments that are either waste of money or dangerous or what is seen as the other extreme, which some people see as acceptance that some equate as doing nothing? I thought it had been caught up in the realm of pathology, fixes, and cures all along and the term or concept of neurodiversity was meant to liberate people as in: some needing supports, but "normal" too confining of a term or concept and by using such a term, it is further creating the negative stereotypes of autism.

I was thinking that labels can unite or labels can divide, therefore labels can be useful depending on whos using them and how and why. Maybe Im overgeneralizing now. Is that a neurodiversity? Like OGD Over Gerneraliztion Disorder?

Im not new to autism at all. Im just real new to all the ways that people are describing it. AND Im real new to computors....and I dont read well but thats beside the point....sort of....

I just read a list of all the things that were being described as neurodiverse. I related to lots of criteria to lots of them. I can see how describing these things and using these terms can help people understand how to help me accomplish alot of my goals. What Im not sure of is what is the goal of the people who are describing all these terms is. Is it to unify or divide? Is the goal to take away negative stigma or add to it? Are my questions too broad or am I understanding anything yet at all?

There is definitly one term on the list that I cannot see any practical use for at all. It is called ODD. Whats the point of calling anybody that? The letters stand for Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I must draw the line at being refered to as that. It has no practical application whatsoever in my opinion. Furthermore, I am in total opposition to ever being associated with that term. I dont see how anyone could profit anything from being associated with such a label. So, I am opposed to it....I am defiantly opposed to it.... I can only see how such a label would create nothing but disorder for anyone using it to describe another person. I will continue to be oppositionally defiant (and even disorderly if necessary) about the use of this term to catagorize humans with such an obviously negative stereotype. Such uses of labels are not productive.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

"Cant" CAN Be Liberating

Often, I find that people respond to my description of what I feel may be productive as my being pesimistc. I dont feel that that is where I coming from at all. If I complained about the same problem everyday and never listened to people that were describing ideas (or even ideals) about what to do that would not only help me, but others too, that would seem pesimistic to me. Thats not the case.

Actually, I think that people who are not describing problems are sometimes avoiding them. Sometimes they do things that gloss over problems in ways that may show others superficially that their intent is to be optimistic, but pesimism results from choosing such a path of least resistance. That really doesnt lead anyone anywhere.

However, this isnt a blog about other people being pesimistic or optimistic. Its about me and my methods of doing things. Im not just asking for help. I really believe that I can work with others in ways that will help me and others too. However, we have to start with where we are.

Right now, youll get more fancy words from me than you will practical solutions. How do I know that big words that make people feel good about someone being optimitic can be counter-productive in ways that lead to the same kind of pesimism that keeps people stuck? Because *I* have TOO often made that mistake myself. Im in no position to preach to anybody about this. I just want to move on.

So, here it is: Im better at talking the talk than walking the walk. Is admiting that pesimism? I dont think so. Pesimism would be continuing to try to do something that really doesnt work. You see CANT can be quite liberating as long as youre not trying to pull others down into a defeatist zone that keeps people stuck. Im not doing that.

If you get more inspiration from looking at how you CAN do stuff, and this is the kind of motivation YOU need to move forward, then maybe you cant relate to what Im saying here. However, dont assume that I havent been given this encouragement already. Maybe you think I just need to have a more positive attitude. Im saying that Ive worked very hard at this approach, and while it has been helpful in some ways, this method has (in some ways) reached its maximum potential with me.... so Im choosing another. BECAUSE, *I* havent reached my maximum potential. Therefore, Im choosing another method that may work better. The CAN DO attitude will continue to be useful for me. Im just saying that it has its limits in my case.

Saying that I *can do* something that Ive worked very hard at for many years, sometimes only leads to more unrealistic expectations and stuckness due to challenges that I never meet. It doesnt help to just keep saying that I can do something because it makes people comfortable temporarily. They eventually become uncomfortable when I dont meet their expectations. This cycle really needs to stop and Im trying to put a stop to it.

I am what I am and I am where I am. It doesnt do any good to tell me what a great runner I can be without accepting that for right now, I cant walk well. I want to run but Im tired of not running because everyone wants me to see myself as a runner, but no one wants to address my learning to walk better first. I mean, whats the point?

If you think I had just as many advantages as everyone and just didnt work as hard, I really dont see how that approach is productive. I may be able to explain somethings about that, but what difference does it really make? I dont want to take anything away from other peoples accomplishments and how hard they have tried. Why would I want to allienate those people? They are the very people who actually can help. Lets celebrate all that youve done, let me ask the tough questions, and lets move me and other people LIKE me right along with us. Get it?

O.K. Here it is: I cant read. I know . I know. Its the Feel, Felt, Found thing. You know how I feel. You felt the same way. But, heres what you found. Most people who tell me that skip right to the part of what they found and just assume the first two parts. Often my situation is different than theirs but again THATS NOT THE POINT.

We can move forward, but we really need to start on the same page. Few people are willing to take the time to do that with a 43 year old man who cant read. Its just more conveinient to say that either I really can( I dont know what reason they think Id have for saying that I cant, but whatever....), or that Im really just not trying. I actually have proved what Im saying here to some people and watched them just walk away once they really understood the situation. Ive got to tell you, that really hurt.

By the time they saw the REAL situation (that was different than what they had originally assumed), they were no longer clinging to their original beliefs. They just found another exuse. That exuse was less conveinient than the first, but by that time they didnt care about anything but running away. I dont have the luxury of running away. I just get to deal with it.

I really dont think that it is as difficult as these people thought. Whatever, theyre gone and Im still wanting to get started.

Dont tell me about the little engine that thought he could. I cant relate. Tell me about the little engine (or the old engine) that got STUCK. Tell me how the engine that got stuck, learned to rock and roll. Actually, Ive got the rocking part down. Lets roll!

I WILL show "the system", or whoever helps me to move forward with my goals, that there are plenty of rewards for them and others who learn from what I will learn in the process.

So, there is this engine thats autistic but, thats not such a bad thing. Neurodiversity is a good thing. There are different kinds of engines and different sets of tracks. Old engines arent necessarily obsolite and tracks dont need to get rusty. Lots of people (lots of kids) can learn from my learning. I plan to help with that alot! Im not just dreaming and if I am, I hope I never wake up. If I get angry sometimes, I think its more productive than getting sad because this is important!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

All People

Professional athletes make alot of money and neurodiversity is cool....well what were you expecting me to say? I mean, you know? Its like Im charging admission here. If you think Im wasting your time, go to the library or the park or something.

So, some years back the Red Sox threw the world series. Some say that they might not have been as likely to take the money if the team owners and the like werent taking such a big part of the profits from the efforts of the players. In other words they should have been sharing more of the wealth.

So, people who bet on that series lost money because of what they didnt know....and now athletes get paid more. The question I think that is important is whether or not any person should get paid like 20 times (or whatever) more than another person. Even more importantantly, these values of money DO effect how we value a persons life. Thats not an uneducated guess. Actually, I have collected alot of evidence to prove my point....even if I dont know the best way to present that evidence here.

Your right, its a good thing Im not in charge of anything. With my attitude, the U.S. economy would crash tommorow. Since Im not in charge of anything, you can relax. However, based on some of what I understand of the some of the people who are in charge, Im not sure how much any of us can relax about these issues.

Im not advocating for communism. I dont know enough about it. Obviously, it has caused alot of people terrible grief. Some aspects of capitolism have already reached the height of the ideals that were expected when some policies were put in place and some people havent acknowleged that....and they need to....

Hey, relax....I promise, I will never run for any office.

I must admit I once heard some things about marxism that made sense, but you can rest assured that as soon as I tried to voice what I thought I understood, my veiws were completely dismissed because I obviously didnt know enough about that subject to effectively argue my point.

Im not so sure that you should rest too assured about that either. It not so much about marxism or MY particular veiw or understanding....Its more about valuing ANY persons veiw WHOEVER they are or WHATEVER their understanding of a subject is.

You see, I think there are alot of all societies norms that encourage only the most educated voices be allowed to be heard. I think this is dangerous. It too extreme. It divides classes of people and ultimatly endorses a value system about people and their worth. It endorsed the veiw that only the most educated people should talk. Then it raises the question: So, exactly how educated does a person need to be before they say something of value.

This puts too much space between classes of people and ultimately devalues the lower class or the UNeducated class. Who amongst us can truly say that they are educated or uneducated.

First, there is the issue of weather a person is educated in a practical way that helps them adapt to their enviroment. But I think the better question is broader and more complex.

It is expected that a person listen about something until they are educated enough to speak about it. I dont think this is practical for anyone in any situation. If we really want to be a more inclusive society that doesnt make such extreme divisions between people which ultimately creates a class that ends up being very dependent on the educated and wealthy other class, we need to be more observant of accepting people were they are. Then by accepting, encouraging and fostering their ideas and place in society, we not only give them more of a chance....its more than that.... If we show people that they already have value before they become real educated or a professional at something, we not only give more people a chance to get educated and become professional.....I think this creats something even better than that!

I think that when we show more people that they have value, we find more value in diverse expressions that we havent recognised before....But it goes even further than that! When we show this kind of respect for EVERYONE, we find more to value in ourselves by seeing what we see in others....that we otherwise wouldnt....See? People = value. All individual people= value. All peoples expressions have value. I mean, what a wonderful world this could be!

I know. I know. Relax already. I told you I wasnt going to run for any office or anything like that. I mean, hey, at least Im not continuing to quote John Prine.... O.K. one more....

Time was once just a clock to me
and life was just a book a biography
Success was something you just had to be
and I would spend my life unknowingly
John Prine

O. K. now Im done....I think....