Sunday, February 25, 2007


Opinions are important and its important that people educate themselves so that they form the best opinions that will serve everyone....but there is more.

Recently I saw on T.V. a program where they discussed the value of Hip Hop music. They talked about how it began and how it was used in ways that were a positive influene and ways that were a negative influence.

What really caught my attention was when they talked about how the people who recorded and listened to this music were living a life that, before this music came along, was not expressed anywhere. I thought that it was a good point that weather what the music decribed was good or bad, alot of important issues never get addressed until someone acknowleges that its happening. Its like if people never have to look at something, they can pretend that it isnt happening.

(Note: Glorifying what is bad, is never good. However, this post is not about weather Hip Hop music is either good or bad. It is just something I am using as an example.This is not a debating blog or a debating post.)

Not only can this lack of acknowlegement make things worse, but its never good when people are living one way and are reminded all the time in newspapers, T.V., etc. that their way of life is never represented, so they believe that in the larger scheme of things, its really not important. This can contribute to peoples feelings about their own worth.

Art and music has a long tradition of giving people a voice that they never had otherwise. However, just like with politics and religion, being able to learn of others opinions about things can help a person form more educated opinions.....this can lead to public power....However, there is something about this that has always bothered me....

Public power does not make anyone a better or more worthy person and neither does aquiring any means to it. Therefore, an educated opinion....published, debated, or otherwise can be very valuable but it does not make any person more valuable or worthy and I continue to believe that this is an important thing to remember.

Better treatment of autistics, better ways of seeing autistics, disability rights, neurodiversity, etc. ....all these things are very important to me. Also being a part of a community where everyone becomes better educated, where I become better educated and can do more good.... and even where people read opinions and debate opinions to create better educated opinions for everyone.... this is very important to me. How is this done so that valid opinions or even better opinions are not seen as what makes a person more or less valid or valuable AS a person.... This is something Im still working on....I think its important.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Grateful for Another Day

Sometimes I write about difficulties. I actually have a reason for doing that. It doesnt have so much to do with how it effects the situation. I would certainly hope that it would not discourage anyone. All it really means to me is that Im acknowleging some things that I see.

I can see how sometimes acknowleging things can make problems real when they wouldnt be that way otherwise be that way but Ive also noticed (for me) not looking at things can be a way of not accepting some part of my reality. Also by accepting this reality (for me) is when I can take responsibility for it. Otherwise I really dont know how I could.

Of course then things have to be divided into what I have some control over and what I dont. Otherwise, once again, (for me) I dont know how I can be responsible for what I feel I need to (or not do as the case may be).

I try to respond to others as what I see helps me. When someone never shows that they have difficulties, they may indeed be overcoming them and even avoiding alot by not emphasizing them. However, since this doent really inspire me, I try to find what people are saying that does inspire me. Also, doing things that way doesnt seem to have any practical value, as far as me doing things the same way.

Then comes the issue of gratitude. The attitude of gratitude for me is like the most nutritious food on earth and I eat it every chance I have that I can remember to do so. I really do have a great deal to be grateful for and that really is the most dominant feeling that effects my life.

Just as I have never been able to use the experiance of being should on by others(thats how it feels to me), I try not to do that to others. In some cases Im sure that it is helpful but (for me) I try to leave that activity to people who know how to help people by telling them what they should or shouldnt do, and people who are actually good at knowing how to use this experience in a positive way. Since I dont know how to be productive in either way, it becomes a matter of shoulding and I try to stay out of it.

More than anything else that I have to be grateful for (and there is a lot) I am grateful for another day. My time is borrowed. Its always been this way. I just didnt always know it.
On this day that I have been given, I have choices that I can make. For that I am very grateful.

Monday, February 12, 2007

What If I Were Not Me

Well, if I were not me I would be someone else. What I cant figure out is why I would want to be someone else.

There really are alot of subtle (and some not so subtle) messages that I get from some individuals and the public in general, about what a person should be that is different than who I am. Since I never really had a guidebook as to what I was "supposed" to be like, Ive often accepted peoples perceptions about who I am and unfortunatly, too often it made me feel bad about the expectations that I wasnt reaching.

Im now realizing that alot of this stuff that others seem to believe about me isnt bad like they think. Its just different. It has alot to do with how Im wired differently and will respond to things in different ways than others. Really, if people had some idea of who I really am as a person and what makes me that way (as in how Im designed differently than alot of other people) I think that alot of the ways that I respond to my environment wouldnt seem bad or wrong to others at all.... once they understood better.

Its not that I dont grow or mature.... I do. By that I mean I learn how my decisions effect others and how I can be better at being nicer to others and making things work in my life. The thing is though that sometimes what people expect or demand of me doesnt make sense. Sometimes what people think is right or good is just about how they see who they are and how they were made as fundamentally right and by constast my difference makes me fundamentally bad or wrong.

Now, what Im saying here isnt something I learned easily or by myself. Actually its just been quite recently that Ive read about others who had similarities to me that have written blog post and comments that have really helped me understand this.

Being able to make this distinction between what the expectations of others are, what I should really expect of myself, and how I can and should conduct myself is vital to my future and to the success of my efforts.

I cant educate everyone in one day and there are certainly obstacles in the getting majority of the public to come to understand what I talking about. The world probably wont change for the better that much within my lifetime. Conformity to what is seen as "normal" and "well rounded" is encouraged while diversity is too often challanged. That is something that we all must contend with. However, I do have much more reason for hope.

The thing is though, that there are people that are challenging alot of preconcieved notions about autism and differences in who people are and that is very exciting to me. The public perceptions of these things require alot of unlearning and relearning. But the times, they are a changing. Im so glad to be a part of that and Im excited about what it can mean to my future and everyones future.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Whats Important

I am inspired
By so much that I see
What I see as important
Is what changes me

I may often think
Better than I can talk
What I see as making sense
Changes the direction that I walk

I am so grateful
For the choices I get to make
I see some things as real
And other things as fake

Whats most important
Is the caring that people do
No other kind of mistakes you make
Can ever define you

Peoples efforts wont always fix
What brokeness they see
But if we learn to truly care
Our souls will be free

Never underestimate
What caring can do
And how it changes how you feel
Will ultimately change you

Thursday, February 08, 2007


Crisp clear thoughts
Filled the morning air
I could only choose
One at which to stare

Each sequenced story
Had a purpose and a plan
I sought to be gounded by one
Like a space ship trying to land

All that my brain
Tried to freeze
Acted like snow that
Melted with ease

I wished to unlock
What was frozen in my mind
But the fluid motion that I sought
I could not find

If I could just piece together
The sequential parts of a day
It could be just a visit
I wouldnt need to stay

The clock is a reminder
That time sings a song
I cant hear it play
For very long

Im glad for my life
That was given only as a loan
And though my memory is fragmented
Its something that I own

by Ed

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I Say This

I just want to say this. Some things I want to say but I really dont want to talk about.

Its like debating. I cant really say that Ive ever really been in a debate. It took me years to be able to explain this. Of course I know that what I have is opinions. I just have no way of supporting them in a debate. Whats more important though, is that I have no interest in learning to do this. I could explain why but if someone feels that life is all about opinions and debate....not everyone feels this way. Not even everyone feels that blogging is all about this. Im glad that there are people that feel this way or i would have to stop blogging. Its too confusing otherwise. No Im not saying something about all autistics or even anybody but me. I speak for myself only.

People make assumptions about me and of course I make assumptions too. If I was blaming anyone I would have to accept the same blame also but thats not at all my point. The reason that people make assumptions about me that gives me difficulty is because I havent told them what would explain to them why they are assuming what they are. Its up to me to clear it up and eventually maybe Ill find a way. Until then, I accept responsibility for it but until I know how to deal with it I can just say what I am saying here.

I have a great deal of difficulty with knowing how much to tell about myself and when to tell that. Im sure it will make a difference in how Im seen and understood. There are people who are comfortable with communicating in a realm that is too confusing to me. Since not everyone is like that or doesnt choose complicated communcation, those who do or that find me confusing, can leave me alone because.... I know that Ill find people that are interested in working with me to find simple communication. Thats why I blog and otherwise I wouldnt blog. No, Im not saying anything about this being an autistic thing. Its a me thing.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


I have often listened to peoples stories and I always try to remember that I really cant say that I may respond differently to the experiances of theirs that they describe. There are too many factors to consider and I could never know enough of them to know how I would respond. I mean, really, Im not them....

I DO think that we as a society have to say what is bad or wrong for one person to do to another and sometimes what has been done is bad enough that the reasons cant matter.... its just wrong.

How I see myself is important. It effects how I see others and how I treat them as well. I may not like how somethings go. I always want to try to respond to people and things that happen in better ways and learn from my mistakes.

Whats important is that I dont hate how I am treated by nature and I dont hate people who do things that hurt me. I know how to be healed from negative emotions that can hurt me and Im wise enough to choose that healing. I dont hate how I was made or who I am. I cant afford to.

Whats mine is mine and I am given choices everyday. For that I am very grateful.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Music to my Ears

When time stood still
And I felt I couldnt move
I experianced graceful motion
In a vision I couldnt prove

When my speach made no sense
And my words didnt mean much
There was meaning I understood
That only I could touch

When I could feel the wind
Of a butterflies wing
The power of a tornado
Seemed unable to lift a thing

I could walk to the bakery
Where I smelled bread two blocks away
But the danger I sensed before me
Might leave me frozen and unable to stray

I knew where I was
I could walk toward the sun
When a dark confusing maze
Might have convinced me to run

I had problems focusing
On one word at a time
But I felt beauty that was mine
And that I had commited no crime

There were threats and noises
That could excite my fears
But I found sounds that I OWNED
That was music to my ears