It Just Is

I worry about people who never cry. Of course one never really knows but sometimes when I hear people laughing, there seems to be something missing....Its hard to describe. It kind of reminds me of a floral print that you find at a drug store sale. Its just a little TOO pretty. There is no edge....no funk. The extreme attempt to present *pretty* creates the opposite effect for the lack of balance.

This morning I felt the need to go online and listen to Don Mcleans Starry Starry Night. I listened to it 3 times and had a good cry. Im not sure that everyone really knows what a good cry really is. Im not talking about a joyful cry. Im also not talking about depression or pity. I guess that what Im talking about seems to escape just the right words for the moment.

I copied down some of the words to the song Starry Starry Night that Ive kept close for many years.

One sentance was: I could have told you Vincent, This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
The chorus goes:
Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
How you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps theyll listen now

and then at the end of the song, the last two lines of the chorus are changed to:
Theyre not listening still
Perhaps they never will

Now I can see how some may understand the words as someone who has accepted defeat. However to me, true acceptance of defeat would have been to never have written the song in the first place.

The song was an even bigger international hit than Mcleans American Pie. In 1972 it reached #1 in the UK and #12 in the USA.
Van Gough was reported to have only sold one painting during his lifetime. He painted Starry Night while in an Asylum. Some have suggested that his seizure activity influenced how he painted that one. I cant help thinking of that when I look at the print. Looking at it brings up so many emotions in me. I cant identify them all but I can identify the result.

Its not pretty. Its not ugly. Its not happy. Its not sad. In the end the result of such an experiance is always the same....acceptance. It just is.

So, Im thinking about how this relates to the experiance of the acceptance of autism. I read all the time about how parents are dealing with their emotions of how they are seeing their autistic child and their journey toward acceptance. I wish more were written about what the child might be experiancing during this adjustment.

Maybe not being a child or a parent you think that such things dont apply to me. I disagree.

My mother and *I* are working through this kind of thing now. I dont think either of us knew enough about it to really work through it when I was a child. Its going well but it is a process. I live far away from my mother but we talk everyday on the phone(our long distance program is set up for that). We are trying to get a web cam thing set up. Shes partially deaf. We are even considering learning sign language to use with the web cam.
By the way, my mother is 72 and she just learned to swim last year. Its never too late for some things!

Ill never forget about 1 year after I got married, my wife was very hurt about a certain emotional response of mine. I remember thinking that it wasnt as bad as she thought and that my response was every bit as connected as she wished. It was just being presented in a way that she wasnt used to. No matter the practical understanding that I had about it, I couldnt help but wish that I could give her exactly what she wished from me.We both cried.
In that moment, did we both wish that I was more typical? ABSOLUTELY!

Several months ago I found a list on a web site that described 10 positive things that were common amongst autistics. My mother made copies and gave them to all her friends.

I could hardly wait to show the list to my wife when she got home that day. She read the list. Then she gave me a hug and told me that my simple way of expressing things was soooo refreshing. She said that it meant so much to her and that she wouldnt trade it for anything in the world.

I think others show more facial expression and the like when they tell someone they love them. Im sure I show alot less. When I tell my wife I love her, she has no doubt that I do. I even think that someone who showed more or different expressions would not be more convincing in this case. When she doesnt know what Im saying, she can rest easy that its not because Im trying to be obscure or play head games. In the end, its a package deal. Not better or worse. It just is.

I think life is a package deal. I think people are too. Thats what acceptance means to me. Cry when you have to. Laugh when you can. Keep your eyes on the journey and the acceptance that results will bring the ultimate joy.