Wednesday, November 29, 2006

This Could Be Trouble

Im not saying there is anything easy about being rejected, excluded, and seen as in significant. Its not easy. It sucks. I understand it. Thats just it. I dont understand much about the achievemnet of the goal of being listened to.... of being heard..... : 0 : )

I know stuff that Ive got to find a way to exopse and I will find a way to do that. Societies rejects need a voice and there can never be too many. I have dedicated the rest of my life to this cause. However, to be honest, Im not very accostomed to being listened to.

I have spent many years collecting evidence of what I know is going on that needs to be exposed. I have made lots of inferences on blog post without being specific. Thats the wrong approach. Ive deleted over 100 essays (blog post) that I....well I had the write goal (and I will achieve it) but thats not the right approach. Im struggling to find the right approach. Ive now got Protection and Advocacy lawers telling me not to write stuff but they wont tell me what I *can* do. Ultimatly, Im not going to sit on what I know forever. Sometimes, I see other peoples blog post and I want tell all I know.... so bad it hurts. I mean it hurts bad. Do you know how many years I watched stuff happen....and I didnt know anything about computers nor was there anybody I could tell. I knew people cared and I knew I am responsible to tell to help those being hurt.... but what could do.

Getting married changed everything. But now I have a way to do what I always wanted to and knew I should....and I have to bite my tounge, stiffle my typing fingers, stay quiet about what I know.( for now but not forever!) It aint easy.

As Ive written before my blogging challenges are well worth the effort. They are different than I thought though. I thought if I ever got into comments and stuff, the bullies would be a constant challange. Not that that couldnt happen still, but thats not happening now. Instead I dont know how to show respect for people who have respected me! Really, Im usually cluless about what to do. I wish people people would just respectfully tell me steps....let me ask simple questions....ask me simple questions....I dont mind working hard but just tell me how....because I dont know how....Ill never learn by quietly processing stuff....I need simple steps....cant we help each other? I know I have something to offer. I just need steps.

The other thing that I realized this morning is that while I will always fight to change the circumstances of those seen as insignificant....I dont know how to deal with having what I say being seen as significant. This is a challenge I wasnt expecting. I dont know how to do this. If you learn to yell from the bottom of a well....and then one day you find that you have a more elevated position....and all you know how to do is yell....then you just alienate people who cant stand the really doesnt matter wheather they know why you are doingwhat you are....I mean they may actually hear you and you just need to speak more softly so they can stand it.... Im so grateful for such challenges.

Parents....what do I know about parenting and autistic kids....My wifes sons are 31 and 29. They were grown when we met. Theyre still trying to figure out, "Where did you find this one Mom?" I like them both alot and actually we are becoming better friends but.... Her oldest is a 31 year old officer in the Navy. The 29 year old is a successful stock broker. We do pretty well for having so little in common. I mean its like, what do I say.... "Im going to get a high school diploma and learn to be a writer.....and I blog....about autistic stuff..." : / We are doing pretty well for as little as we have in common.

So Im often thinking that parents would rather think that their kids will grow out of what I havent. Being simple about how I express myself actually works real good in married life though. Maybe me and parents of autistic kids could start there. Thats a practiacal thing that I know about and I can tell parents about how that works. Just ask me. Really, I mean it. Ask me. Im not sure how we are going to get started otherwise. Ill keep working on it.

So, this morning Im going through a blog where I learn alot. Its this parent who is very wise about bringing up her kids and her writing is real interesting. Im always looking for some way that I might comment on these pages....and then it hit me....Im going through the links that she has in the right hand side of the page which is where I find new blogs( Im going to have to learn to do that on my page)....and much to my surprise as I open my eyes.... Eds autism page....WHAT? This changes everything :) :0 I mean, Im pretty sure its the only one like it, but still....

I have recorded melt downs on my page. You should see some of what I was writing 6 months ago.(its been deleted) I mean how can I keep yelling as though Im at the bottom of a well if somebody is actually listening. Yelling could allienate rather than establish connections ....which is what Im wanting to do. Im not going to debate. I mean I really think that if we dont regulate ourselves we will be regulated by less desirable others but Im no debater.How do I establish connections?Thats what I want to know.

Some people have told me that they hear me....What if its true??!! This could be trouble. But not all trouble is bad. This could be good trouble! Either way, I have some reevaluating to do.


At 2:35 PM , Blogger Ed said...

Just to make sure I said it right, Im glad that people are hearing me now. It makes me feel real good.Im honored. It is an adjustment though.Im just thinking that I want to be more responsible about what I say now.
I also know that to be responsible, Ive got to just ask people stuff. I think asking people stuff can help everybody.Ive always thought that learning can be most productive by showing people how you learn and asking them how they do it.That goes for everybody.People who have certain ways of learning can help each other but its not like theres anybody that isnt helped by this.Support is good for everybody. Right?
To be even more clear, I have never been one to learn by just reading and processing stuff.I understand the method. It just doesnt work too good for me.Im trying to use my methods (that arent really like that) in this online environment. :)

At 1:01 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Ed, you just made me smile- thanks!

I love the way you write. Your example of getting so used to shouting from the bottom of the well, that you have to get used to changing your voice when you get to the top, really gives me an idea of what you've been through. You're great at finding simple analogies. I'm glad you've been able to pull yourself up, and it's great that you have so much that you're just burning to say. Be sure that there are people listening and learning from you.

I like your description of your wife's sons. They sound like good men, and I glad you all get on though on the surface you appear to have little in common.

Don't worry about showing respect. I remember a post that Abfh wrote about parents worried about being seen as curbies by their autistic children when they grow up. She decided that if you were worried about such a thing, then you weren't a curbie. I reckon the same goes for respect, if you're concerned about showing respect, then you are already doing it.

Keep going, ask whatever you want. I ask questions on my blog often and appreciate it when people give their answers. We're all on a learning voyage here.

At 6:12 PM , Blogger Ed said...

Ill keep going. The method that Im using is Im trying not to be too direct so that no one feels obligated to answer.( Im really not aking you a question Sharon)Im not asking anyone specific a question. Im just trying to figure out how to do stuff. Should this be a post rather than a comment? Whats the difference?
When I try to be more direct I end up thinking that Im leading, implying, assuming, maybe even asking baiting questions. I dont want to do that. If someone did that when asking me a question, Im not sure Id even recognise it though.
Im accepting of protocol being important but I really think open discussions about autism (that arent heated and mean) seem way to confining to protocol and intellectualism. I mean how many parents of autistic kids say to them "dont go there." I mean they are going to go there, right? I did. Actually. Im thinking I didnt do enough of that when I was a kid. Maybe, its part of my lost youth that I feel the need to make up for.
Maybe all parents of autistics are hoping their kids are going to grow out of that. Maybe the label "autistic" has outgrown its usefulness.If so I dont know where I fit into all this. I think that is an asset of autistics. Heck, Im hoping I never grow out of that.
Telling me,"Dont go there" reminds me of walking 3/4 of the way across a busy intersection and having the signal change to "DONT WALK". I mean oops. I already did! Im bound to "go there" O.K.
Im shy. It seems like lots of us are.The last thing we need is for things to be too confining.
You cant have a disscussion about how to include the entire autistic spectrum with the protocol being too strict.You also cant make it but so intellectual without becoming too exclusive either.
One thing Im pretty sure of. Autistic, aspergers, whatever.... We are always going to be involved in traffic. I think most are used to it and those of of who arent, I hope we get used to it rather than get cured of it. I hope that autistics of every kind stop traffic, redirect traffic, walk over traffic, talk about traffic, even if they cant spell trafic( is there two Fs in traffic?) The last thing we need is more autistics getting caught in traffic. Protocol and intellectualism shouldnt be causing autistics to be excluded or stuck.I guess as far as "going there" I guess I just did.
:/ oops....
Like thats the last time Im going to do that....NOT.
O. K. Ill write this whole thing in a post tommorrow. Ill call it "Dont Go There" and then I will....go there I mean....
and I promise to find out how to spell traffic. Is that the way you spell promise? promis.... Ill check on that too.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home