Tuesday, November 28, 2006


One thing that Ive always said Id never do is debate. Alot of the ideas and veiws I have held for along time are not ones that I have ever debated. I can see how those that are into debating could see that this makes my veiws less valid or even totally invalid.

Maybe those that think that are right. However, I dont think that its that simple. I guess it has to do with what your goals are. I think that having veiws or even expressing veiws that you are not willing to debate can better help you make decisions about what you want or need to do. Its just that you wont find support for your veiws or if you do it wont mean much.

Its fair as long as you tell people that thats what your doing. I wasnt sure that I wanted to continue doing it. Its lonely sometimes. Sometimes when I compare what I do to the more social comparisons that others allow their veiws to be subjected to, I become intoxicated with my own verbage. Theres nothing productive about that.

Before I ever saw a computer the paper I used to scribble my ideas on what would have filled....there was a lot of these papers....

I cant deny that my veiws are developed by wacthing others develope theirs within an arena of debate. I do that. It feels a little like stealing. Not that Ive ever been paid money (as money) for what I write but thoughts are things and I benefit from the efforts of others. Im not sure how I can give back in a way that pays for what I receive. Im trying to figure it out. Maybe I can extract some comfort in knowing not everyone explores these things like I do. Still its not enough.

There is a socialogical componant to why I make the decisions I make that alot of people dont have. Knowing that has its advanatges. When I was growing up I was subjected almost nonstop to a particular set of veiws that were not only coming from the authority figure in my life but he was also expressing those veiws from a pulpit. Never being very social and being subjected to that environment in the way that I was, meant that writing stuff down and exporing what it meant to me was my only survival.

Also those athoritative veiws were not accepted by anyone as the final athority on anything. No, they were heavily debated where blue collar men without much formal education had little opportunity to feel athoritative. The result was an intellectual arena of heated debate that served NO ONE! Women became a part of it but not so much back then.

People spouted their veiws and divided themselves not for any common goal. Maybe it was wrapped up with such a design but thats not at all how it worked out. Ultimately it was competition, pure and simple....but oh so complicated. Anger and hatred tore at the souls of people claiming to save souls. The illusionary dressing they intended to project was identified by most as being a contest where the veiw that stood the test of time (which was never more than very temporary in that environment) displayed the "owner" of that veiw as better and more deserving. All it ever really did was tear down others and weaken the voice and the self respect of the person expessing their veiw....superfulous nonsense....glorification of a vain and greedy existance.

What was the burden of the guilt of these peoples projections and the feeling of abandonment of what they conveiniently called my rebelion....along with what was a biological disinterest in competion and an inability to do school work (and/or the lack of an environment to really learn about my scholastic skills and the fact that I hated school for other reasons)....I guess you could say that these things factor into who I am today.

Honestly though, as much as I seek now to overcome my circumstances, I wouldnt trade my biological make-up and what I leaned from those experiances for anything.... Therein lies the rub.

What has always been seen by others as the *disposition* of who I was born as, and the environment I endured or survived, is not how I see myself at all. Im not lazy or dispassionate. I cant imagine anyone being more motivated and more passionate than I am today. I wish that I could harness half of what I feel. Am I a bleeding hearted liberal? By way of contrast, I cant think of any label I could more proudly wear. :)

There were reasons that I would say that placed me in some of the environments that Ive found myself as an adult. But I wouldnt trade those experiances either. Ive examined people who are discarded and forgotten by the majority. I dont find them to be lazy or less motivated. I would go so far as to say that most of them arent even victims. At least not as much as others are victims of vanity, greed and pride. The difference has more to do with what external comforts are not provided those who are seen as the victims of "motivation". These people are also not seen as deserving by the misguided who misplace their respect. The value and respect of mainstrem society is burdened by what is seen as beautiful and worthy of glory. Most even claim that the struggle produced such *earned*glory. I disagree.You cant pull up the economic bottom by glorifying the top. But this isnt just limited to economy.This notion is only used as a method of judgement that will conveiniently dismiss those who are seen as inconveinient. This *veiw* is what is ultimately societies burden. The veiw ultimately cost everyone.

Many of societies rejects have retained their valuable identity of diversity and their caring nature rather than sell whats really important.

How could anybody have such primitive veiws of the world? I guess youd have to be me to understand....but Im not alone in my veiws. Its just that the multitude that believes like I do dont have much of a voice...................which brings me to my point.

I want my voice to be heard but I have trouble finding examples to follow that share my values. I am finding some that are more likly to do that....which is why Im struggling.

Not every debater is cold, and intellectually stuggling for the glory of the illusion of dominance. If I thought that I wouldnt be working so hard to find my place amongst them. There are just some things I wont give up to do that. I think that this is a good strugle. Thats why Im devoting so much effort to it.


At 7:45 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know if what you have experienced is so uncommon. I read other peoples blogs, and joined e-mail lists long before I started blogging myself. I didn't comment on those very often either. I read what others had to say and watched debates flourish from the sidelines. Now, I still don't feel comfortable in debates. Much of what I think is hard to debate. I can get too emotional and flustered. I did enter a debate a while back, I didn't want to, but felt I had a duty to counter someone persuading people to to give autistic children DAN type 'treatments'.

At 7:08 PM , Blogger Ed said...

Thanks for the firefox suggestion on the last post.Im checking into seeing if I can get it.
I was suprised this A.M. to find your comments *after* I wrote todays post. I was trying to find a way to say thankyou for your continued encouragement.I really appreciate it.
My wifes been telling me about the part of the world where you live....Its difficult for me to even imagine that.
I hope that I can learn as much as you have about how to support people that are doing whats right and even stand up to people I can clearly see that arent.
Sometimes its even hard to treat the people I respect in the way that I would like to be treated because I dont understand enough about them to know how to do that.
The thing is that I know that not everybody even tries to do that.
Aspiring to is about the best I guess anyone can hope to do.
Thanks, Ed


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