Monday, November 27, 2006

Calculation

My doing this blogging has a point. How it started and where I am with it has been quite a journey. I guess Ive been stuck with it alot. However, I cant imagine where Id be had I never started.

There is a movement for autism advocacy. I cant ignore that I feel its very important. I cant ignore also that my reading about it is very limited to a certain group and even more certain sites. Thats how I learn best and thats where I learn best. Thats it.Broading my horizens would actually (in my case) isolate me even more from the exess data Id have to calculate.

Even with those few sources, it keeps me trying to understand where the continuity of thought is. There is a thread. Its not completly too abstract or too mobile to identify. I dont think it is and I dont think it should be. I just need to refine my methods. I going through all the links and terms that people are giving me. I really appreciate it. But a quiet student, Ill never be. :) Me and my work must be a work in progress. It just has to be that way.I know people wont always agree but I do see the need for people to band together for a good cause.

I would never want do what the writers I read are doing. I know I could never keep up with all that they do. Im willing to admit that this isnt easy for them and I respect what they work really hard to do. They deserve a great deal of credit. Whether we all can or not....do we all have to? Theres got to be a place in all this for me somewhere.

I dont want to interact beyond what I can participate effectively on. Stretching? Yes, Im willing to do that. Its good to do that. But I mean the Wright brothers believed in mans ability to fly also. If someone had had walked up to them and said, "You guys are behind the times. Jet planes have already been invented. Just go over and climb into that one over there and pilot it across the ocean. Running around the beach with your bicycle and fragile wings, waiting for a strong wind is pretty silly, dont you think?" Thats kind of how I feel.

To write without learning how the majority is looking at stuff and what is propoganda would be to not only repeat the negative stereotype, it would make my veiw not worth much or not very effective.

People who have participated in this process of blogging with me have been more than kind. Sometimes I wonder if Ive shown them the same respect that theyve shown me. But thats why Im still working on this. Otherwise it wouldnt matter so much.

You know when I discovered this medium of blogging, and comments etc. I thought it would be the bullies that made things difficult for me. While they are sometimes sad to watch and sometimes even laughable, they dont present me with so much of a challange. I never dreamed it would be those that encouraged me that made it so difficult to descide *how* to participate. Thats a GOOD challange, no matter how you look at it. Thats why Im trying to find my way.

1) First of all, my autism diagnosis was more comprehensive than alot of peoples. I was fortunate enough to get some people to make sure that it wasnt too glossed over. It is autism and not aspergers but that doesnt mean so much since Im learning that aspergers doesnt mean much. I was naive enough to think that the comprehensive effort would finally better define supports that I needed. Unfortunatly, it wasnt comprehensive enough and worse still they have just used the complexity of it to claim that I was too complicated of a case for anyone to be expected to work with. They have gone to great lenghths to get rid of me. "Get rid" may seem like a severe term. Trust me, its not. I also know how big the problem is.( at least I know better than most)

When specialist are too acostomed to being like a hammer, you cant expect them to see you as much more than another nail. Either way, youre screwed.

2)I was born breech, C section, anoxia, and left the hospital with the prediction of the labels of spastic and cerebral palsy.Such movement differences are presented in different ways.
3)When I was 11 and 12 I spent two years before puberty shut down. My body weight was less than 70 lbs. at one point I was hospitalized for a full month of test and intraveinous feeding that resulted inthe eventuality of exploritory surgery, and the conienient words of doctors (pscho somatic). Puperty happened in a matter of days it seems. I went from very weak to the stregth of 10 men almost over night. I guess the doctors just figured I was scared of puberty.
I pretty much skipped 5th and 6th grade and was out of school by the 9th. I wasnt doing anything in school anyway. I never even figured out what I was doing there in the first place.
4) As far as movement goes, many times my depression takes on a profound inertia. During one period of this I was institutionalized and this depression that presented such profound inertia, that I accepted a series of ECT treatments. It pulled me out of the depression but left me clumbsier than ever. Within a week after the treatments I made a clumbsy move on a moped in traffic without a helmet. Clumbsy accidents that involved head trauma are about 10 now.
5)Tartive dyskenesia due to the WRONG medicines for more than 20 years probably factors into movement, and my methods of reasoning as well.
6) Seizures due to.... I dont know what all.... Im actually having something over the past several years that I can idetify as absense seizures. They mess up enough stuff when its just my wife having to talk me out of one or my mother trying to do it over the phone. Getting on the internet and having my wife or mother trying to explain how something I said might have been taken wrong or what context somone else was writing in and what I might have missed....they both think my internet activity is good for me....so do I....anything is better than alot of the stagnation I was involved with before. However, Im often very confused.
7)Dyslexia and vision problems. I was diagnosed early in life with that. I would often have a lazy eye. Id wear a patch over the other eye. Its way more than just transposing letters ( though thats part of it).Really, I dont know how I read. I wish I could better define it. The bottom line is that I dont really read. I wish somebody would tell me how to create a larger font on my own comments so I could better see what others and even myself is writing in my own **** comments.
8) Discalculia. I really apreciate people helping me try to understand things. That one dont work. Autistic are better at math? Not good enough. I have a very clear genetic connection to autism and algerbra is all Greek to me. Im very much of a systemizer so my inability to do algerbra has nothing to do with anything like my inability to calculate. It may be a place to start but theres got to be more to it than that. Autism isnt just an impractical, loosly defined diagnosis. Maybe it is in lots of cases. But it can also just be part of the over all picture. The point that I agree with alot of others on is that it shouldnt be a place to stop looking (as it often is). It should be a place to start for people who are looking for practicalities. And it can be practical. Im sure it can.
8) Im adding a #8 to write etc. There are actually some other factors that fit into all this, but Im not ready to go there today.

The point is that Im not complaining. If it comes off like that you really are missing my point. The point is that these things draw a picture that has doctors, specialists, and social workers saying that they cant be expected to try to find ways to work with somebody like me. Stagnet is what I got. What Im attempting to do is is meant to be liberating.

Ive realized lately that some of what I say may just be moving along side of what others are saying but its really not in opposition at all. Ill listen if somebody wants to help me out on getting better coordinated on that. Why would I want to oppose those whom I respect. I dont!

Lastly, my message is about how people are being dismissed in *calculating* and premeditated ways. Conveinience is where it starts but its much more than that. Its not just passive neglegent ways. Its aggressive. I know plenty are writing about that and Im trying to catch up with it all but I have something important to add.

Im sure that others know much more educated and refined methods of liberation that just identifying the enemy and fighting against what I see. I cant just sit back and wait until Ive learned all that. I cant even read most of it, much less comprehend it all. I also cant just make clumbsy attempts at understanding whats on other peoples pages. No one could survive that. Theres got to be a better way.

If it cames to having to choose between a better approach that I cant comprehend....that leaves me feeling stuck, stagnet, and even apathetic, or fighting in the only way I know how....then yes, I choose to fight.



1 Comments:

At 7:34 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Ed. You do have a lot to cope with. And you do not sound like you feel sorry for yourself at all.
It's good to hear that you are choosing to fight. You are the expert on Ed, and I hope you will somehow be able to get the support you deserve too.
Are you using Firefox to get into the internet? If so, you can press the comtrol key and the + key together, to increase the size of the font on any page.

 

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