Care Package

Too often, even in subcultures and countercultures people look at the value of human life as being about who is best at doing something.

Even in communities such as the homeless and the disabled, sometimes people who can do something better are seen as being better people.

This doesnt help us feel better about others and it doesnt help us feel better about ourselves. Not really.

Compassion has always been more important to the survival of the human race than competition. It is vital that these values be encouraged.

Everyone wants to provide something to others. The great thing is that everyone can provide something. Everyone can care. Knowing that we have this ability and using it is the most important thing there is. This is our hope for the future.

A Maze Thing

I just saw this on a blog post somewhere and the right thing to do would be to post this there and thank the one who said it first. The thing is that I seem to be doing something wrong when I try that and thats EXACTLY what *THIS post is about. As soon as I figure out how to do something its automarically like I never had a time when I didnt know how.

First of all Im sorry that sometimes I say things about what difficulties I have when parents read my blogs.... and maybe hoping their kid grows out of what I havent. However, I may be able to help with solutions for parents of autistics and autistics themselves. Thats what I hope to accomplish with my blogging.

Second of all, what Im refering to in these cases may not necessarily have to do with autism or at least not all autistics experiece it.... maybe some autistics grow out of it.... The point is that this explaination makes so much sense and when those closest to me look at it this way we move forward....and when ANYONE tries to analyze the situation differently, everyone just stays frustrated until all of a sudden I figure something out....or I finally say something that someone finally figures out what Im trying to say.... or what is REALLY going on....and then the entire problem completely disolves like it never happened. I go from being esculated, frustrated, upset, spinning, styming, rocking....totally confused....to totally calm and all is right with the world.

NO, this is not a tantrum. I understand enough about pathology to understand that this is not a pathological thing and to put it in those terms is just absurd. Especially since the description I have, and the one that my wife and my mother has, of how this happens is totally dependable. If something works why mess with it?

Im not saying that this cant be improved upon and I want to do that more than anyone could imagine....but if calling it something else takes us off track and has never been productive....whats the point?

Let me explain. I know this isnt the same for all autistics but I have the worst sense of direction of anyone Ive ever met. Ive actually heard of autistic cab drivers. I believe it but that is so different than my experiance its very hard for me to understand. Maps and compass's mean nothing to me. This plays a BIG role in my life.

Here are a couple of examples. The first time I met my wife in person, I couldnt tell her how to get to where I lived. I could tell her the street address but thats it. We finally agreed to meet at a corner that was two blocks from my house and it took me an hour and a half to find it. My mother described it to me over the phone, I tried writing it down on paper, and still I wondered around for a long time before I found it. I had been living there for more than a year, it was two blocks from my house, and I had been there many times.

My mother has many examples of this when I was a child. Once we lived on a four lane highway. School was 15 miles one way with no turns and town was 15 miles the other way with no turns. I went to school five times a week and town twice a week. After living there for several years my mother said that I didnt know which way to get to either. Part of the reason may have been that when the bus picked me up to go to school, it was headed toward town because it had to go that way to pick up other kids that lived in that direction before we went to school. Also, it was a four lane highway and school rules were that we couldnt cross the street. That means that the bus had to be going in that direction to pick us up. The problem is that I was over 40 years old when I figured this out. This is just two of the many examples of this. I have often spent like an hour in a department store because I couldnt find my way out.

This is important because it happened yesterday. My mother and I spent four hours on the phone because I couldnt explain something and she couldnt understand what I was saying. At one point it got really scary because she couldnt talk to me anymore because she was so over whelmed. That feels very dangerous to me.

This became very apparent several months after I met my wife. It happens often enough that now she understands it but she still has trouble (as she says it in her words) "wrapping her mind around it".

The best way Ive heard it explained by autism specialist is "the difference between expressive and receptive language". In my case they have documented that in all the many cases of autism they have seen that mine is the most profound in that way. Ive heard it called" splinter skills". In my diagnosis it is described as a savant skill. In laymans terms Ive heard it called "talking in circles". Thats the term people have used to describe me all my life.

Heres the thing. Ill be trying to figure something out or trying to express something to my wife. Ill write it on paper over and over. Sometimes it seems to her like Im repeating something over and over....on a particular theme....sometimes for hours....sometimes days, weeks and sometimes even years. And then all of a sudden, I figure it out and all the confusion stops....I cant tell you what a relief this is! Its like all of a sudden I can breathe again.

Before I met my wife I always lived alone. I left home when I was 15 years old but I spent most of my time alone before that too. It wasnt until I met my wife that I ever understood this dynamic. If I was never around anyone, how could anyone (including me) know that I was trying to explain something that I couldnt. Before that, where was I that this problem would show itself.... or that I would even know how much it was a problem. I was never in school or a job for long enough for anyone else to see it.

I knew it was a real problem but I certainly didnt know how to explain it. I knew how much it effected my life but even if I had known how to explain it, who would I have told?

Often if my wife doesnt stop me and tell me that she gets what Im saying, I will keep saying it and writing it until she does. Even then, she has to explain what it was that I said for me to know what it was that made sense to her.

Before I met my wife I dont ever think I had ever seen anyone have an epiphany. I mean the look on her face after we have gone around and around on some theme for a long long time....and then all of a sudden....SHE GETS IT!!!! Its the most amazing thing Ive ever seen. Ive actually seen her break out into (literally) hysteracal laughter.... and then she says, "I get it." And then she has to tell me what it is she got. Its not that its funny. Its just such an emotional relief to finally understand what Ive been trying to say for so long. Once she understands its so simple....its hard to understand why it took so much time and effort.

Ive heard her tell this to autism specialist and social workers and the like....and they say they understand....and my wife and I both know they have no idea.... But you should see what they write about me later once they start to see what my wife is telling them about me. They just begin to understand it.... some of these people are autism specialist who have been working with autistics for years.... once they start to understand it, they react in all kinds of ways. Unfortunately specialist sometimes get really ugly when they see something they havent seen before and they are less of an expert on it. Sometimes they defend their professional pride in some really ugly ways.

This is frustrating sometimes but everyone has cross's to bare. This just happens to be mine. Ill deal with it. I always have. Im just hoping that some people will try and understand because now that Im married there are just some things that I have to be able to communicate and I dont have alot of choices in how I do that.

Right now Im trying to figure out this internet and blogging thing can work for me. I trying to figure out how to ask people but I havent found a way yet. (any ideas are appreciated).

Im having trouble accomplishing my goals and communiacating with people on the internet. IM STUCK! I hate being stuck but Ill get through it like I always do. But its like a maze. Once I figure it out...where the opening is.... it will be just fine.... until I get stuck again that is....but please....one stuckness at a time.

Wonderfully Made

Shame is healthy when I know
That I am doing bad
But how I was made is not wrong
And for that I am glad

Autistic is as it always was
A part of what I call me
How could I be someone else
Who else could I be

There are choices that I make
Each and every day
My choices make my life what it is
And Im glad that its this way

People are often uncomfortable with difference
And I may never know what they expect
But I learning how to celebrate how Im different
And what has value and deserves respect

People will eventally learn
Why diversity is good
Until then Ill be just who I am
And do what I think I should

Speak Softly

It was my turn to speak
And I knew what was expected of me
Id say what they wanted to hear
And show them what they wanted to see

It wasnt my path
Or one that I understood
But my way was never accepted
So I said what others thought I should

Difference doesnt mean too much
If conformist's descide how its done
When diversity demands solidarity
The new path is no better than the first one

We can fight as one
And stand together until the end
But frailty is not our enemy
And judgement is not our friend

Diversity cant be a club
There can be no rules or dues
Different may be how Im born
But ultimately its what I choose

Lets Move On!

It took me a while to figure this one out. Im just glad I did. For a long time Ive been reading stuff on the internet that was somewhat uncomfortable for me. Partly because I dont read well but partly because I didnt understand some things that I wanted to. I had to unlearn and relearn some things. Well, there is more of that to do but Ive read enough to understand *some* things anyway.

Ive never been much on blaming people as a way to get them to change or as a way to help them. That never helped me accomplish anything and Im not going to start that now. However, I need to say this. There is no autism epidemic. What is considered disability, is a natural part of life that needs to be respected and it too often is not. Autism is a variation of the human norm and there are many ways to celebrate all things autistic. There are alot of parents that are finding ways to celebrate the lives of their autistic kids and the curbie/epidemic parents can learn alot from them and from autistics too. The epedimic veiw of autism is dangerous and isnt helping anyone. We need to get with it and move on.

I qualify for certain services for lots of reasons( I wont go into them all) and Im going to make the best of that. Im going to get an education and learn to read and write better and help more with my families finances and Im going to find out how to make better use of what Ive got....and autistic people are contributing lots of things that I can learn from. There are things about me being autistic that I can see as strengths and Im married to a lovely wife who likes me being autistic and and is very supportive of me.

No, Im not going to start blaming anyone who is seen by others as lazy or unproductive. There are too many factors to make that kind of judgements about anyone and Ive never seen it help anyone to blame them. I just need to focus on some other things right now.It no longer matters why I have the chance for services that will help me. Im going to use those services to move past what I have a chance to and help others in the process. Stay tuned.

This blog will continue to focus on things that I feel are important to write about. It will also be a place for people to find out more about how people learn in different and unique ways. This will help me get an education and others learn as I do, what works and what doesnt.

So far I have 3 teachers that have commited to helping me with this. One is my mother and another is my sister. They are both school teachers and dont live near me so they will be helping me by commenting on the educational work I do on this blog.

One other person who has commited to helping me with this goal has worked in adult education for 25 years and has recently commited to helping me with this. She is a friend of my mothers that lives near her. I really appreciate her help. She will be helping in the same way.

I hope others will also feel that they can benefit from participating in this. We are really starting to get organised and Im looking forward to it. This is one way I will be using my blogs.

I will also be accessing public services that will help me in person in the town where I live. This blog will record my progress.

Most people at my educational level are kids and I hope that I can learn from parents and educators that have worked with kids as well. Everyone who feels this is productive is encouraged to participate.

This whole autism thing needs to be put in its proper perspective. Im going to work to do that. I want to learn how autistics and others have learned about their strengths. I REALLY hate being stuck and we all need to be moving on.

Care Package

I wish that I could build a house
That would keep each person warm
I wish that I could keep everyone safe
With no need for alarm

I wish I could feed the hungry
And give them all a place to stay
I wish that I could heal their hurts
With the time and the chance to play

People are hurting all over the world
And I can never care enough
Although things are sometimes easy for me
Some people have it tough

Life would be really different
If everyone would care
For all those who are suffering tonight
Ill remember them in prayer

Snow Sounds

Soft snow can be silent
And yet say so much
It can remind me of reality
that I cant really touch

I like how cold it is
and I like how it covers the ground
So I watch it passively
and dont make a sound

It doesnt need to be described
And Im glad I dont need to explain
I cant open the door to joy
And close it when I feel pain

Experiance is as it always was
What I hear and see
It never ends as what I start out
Meaning for it to be

I get to choose at every turn
How I listen to things
And sadness is important
For all the joy it brings

I like to listen to the snow
And never tell what I hear
Even if it makes me sad
Emotions arent what I need to fear

Listening to natures expressions
Takes me places I never plan to go
And the peaceful acceptance of what it is
Allows me to contiue to grow

Time to Myself

I could always dream
That I was free
I could sell what I own
And call the rest me

All Id have left
Was how I always begin
Playing the game
That I always win

All that I gave
Taught me to give
Each life I observed
Taught me to live

I invested my self
In what I thought I should
But nothing I had to offer
Could make me more good

I wrote every day
and invested my time
But my stories never end
And my poems never rhyme

No one can tell me
What Im doing wrong
If their answers are too short
And my questions are too long


Borrowed time was my gift
That I called my own
Often forgetting that it
Was only a loan

What Can I Say?

I have been writing on this blog in a way that describes me as a learner and a thinker. Im still not convinced that is such a bad approach or how much I can radically change my methods but at the very least I must refine what I do based on what I learn or what my thoughts bring me to believe.

I am really enjoying reading about how parents are looking at their autistic kids and how the way they see them is making is making such a positive influence on the lives of the kids, these families, and ultimately how great it is for the world. Learning about neurodiversity has had such a positive impact on my outlook. Not only does this give me opportunities that I had never dreamed of, but it gives me so much hope for the worlds future.

Listen, being married and having this great computer that my wifes son bought us, has sent my life moving at twice the speed of sound. Add to it that my wife set it up on Roadrunner, and I found out about blogging, autism acceptance, and neurodiversity has....What can I say? Its just great.

Also, there is what I personally know about that is going on that relates to disability rights and how autistics are treated that I have to continue to find ways to deal with. Alot of that has to do with just being patient.

And then, there is what Im learning is going on based on these people with the cure/epidemic veiw of autism that is making me really concerned/angry and I want to help with telling why that is the wrong. Im going to start signing petitions, joining and paticipating in forums (if I can find out how to do that) and just being more supportive to the people whom Ive found to be doing what I need to support. These people need everyones support.

Now, I have never learned in any kind of classroom and its really not practical for me to just read and not start writing until Ive learned enough to participate. I may even serve as an example of what not to do sometimes but the way I know how to deal with that is just be willing to deal with my mistakes. That way I get to also be an example of how a person can change.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was in the 2nd grade and I really just found out what that means very recently. Im my case its really important. I can now find ways to deal with it. If you have never been in a situation where your reading was evaluated so that someone told you how well you understood what you read, you wouldnt know that your method of reading would make such a difference in how well you communicated using the written word.

I have a way of remembering things (although its always very random) that is based on audio exposier rather than visual learning. My speech often seems like there are many pauses in the way I talk. Its more that way when Im stressed but the written word is like a forign language that Im just learning how to speak. This is very encouraging to me. Although it is sometimes embarassing when I try to learn or paticipate by commenting on blogs and I show how Ive missed the point. However now that I know, at least I can move forward and thats great!

And another thing. Since I was very young I wrote my ideas down on paper and sometimes I write and write and write until I can figure out which words to use to say what I really mean. Getting married has meant that sometimes I will talk on the same theme to my wife for days, weeks, and even years, before what Im trying to say makes sense. Even then, unless she stops me and says, "O.K., now I get what you are trying to say." and often repeats back to me what she thinks Im saying in the meantime, we would never communicate at all. It may not be the best way to communicate but its the one we have and we make the best of it. Thats really the only way I know how to blog also, so thats what Ill do.

Now, I dont have kids and a family and I spend most of my time alone. Therefore I dont have much to write about in the family experiences department. I have since, I was very young, listened to issues, scribbled on paper what issues that I felt were important to me meant to me, thought about issues, and revised my veiws about issues. However, Ive never debated my issues. My wife and I have never debated anything. When we met we agreed that the toilet paper roll should be turned so that it pulls over rather than under and everything else has not been important enough to debate. I couldnt do it anyway.( at least not yet)

So why dont I just write about my experiences? I thought that what I just did with this post....What can I say?

Words on Paper

Sometimes words should be ignored, scrutinized, and sometimes they deserve worse. But sometimes words get treated in these ways when they dont deserve this treatment at all. Sometimes expressions that dont have words are also treated unfairly.

You see, when words are offensive, the person using them needs to understand how they are hurting someone. But I find people sometimes dont really evaluate what it is about words and other expressions that makes them uncomfortable. Discomfort can make us think. Discomfort can help us understand what we havent and that requires us to adjust our patterns. This is a necessary discomfort and should not be conveiniently discarded. Certainly people shouldnt be punished for expressions such as these.

I know someone who likes to put words on paper. Hes been this way every since I can remember. Sometimes his words will make sense to someone and they see these words as valid. The thing is though that so much of the time they make people uncomfortable.

Its rare that what he writes is seen as valid or worthy of attention. Maybe he would write like that more often if he knew how. The thing is is that his words are kind of like art that requires a process. Artist that get recognised will work for a long time on the process but they will develop a sense of knowing when their work is finished and a piece is ready for display. He seems to have more trouble knowing when his work on a project is finished because he is less likely to see any work as being complete.

He seems to perseverate with many words and combinations of words.... not recognising the end of his own projects has something to do with how hes wired but how hes wired has taught him to value so many of the expressions of others that are so often discounted.... that hes not so likely to follow as many rules of recognition based on what expressions are seen as valuable and which ones are not yet finished or completed thoughts.... or formal expressions of thought. Well, of course they are not going to change the rules for him. If they did it would not be a matter of course at all. It would be considered breaking the rules.... Rules are important so people are protected from getting hurt, and what hes doing is hurtful because....

Hes been told that writing is a discipline like any other and he must obide by certain rules. Obediance, hes told, must be the master of your thoughts and all thinking must conform to a level of slavery.

Besides if too many expressions were considered valid no one would would know which expressions were worthy of their attention. If everyone were losing focus, too much would be seen until nothing was seen.... What would be the point?

Too much inclusion makes people lazy, right? Inclusion has always needed bounderies. I mean there must be some place where exclusion is needed, right? I mean resourses are limited so what expressions people see as valid must also be limited. I mean what if every body allowed themselves to think and think and think like he did? We would become a society that would never know weather we were coming or going....or starting or stoping....or anything.

Doesnt this guy know that our history books are filled with people who could unite others to a common cause that was worthy of attention. I mean united we stand and divided can only mean that our attention must be divided at best and deficeited at worst. Attention must be be paid not scattered. I mean we as individuals like we as a society only have a limited supply of attention. Therefore we must agree on where our attentions should be focused and that will create the formality that will direct our course to freedom.

With this freedom we will have the right to our expressions. We will have the right to say things in formal ways. We will have the right to focus our attentions and not scatter them about. Our attention deseves such respect, right?

We will have the right to know what we should and shouldnt say or write. We will have the right to know who understands the "real issues" and who doesnt. We will have the right to know what to think and what is the right time to think it and ultimatly we will have the right to know how to express our selves so that our expressions will be seen by more of the majority as being worthy of our attention. This must be the way we declare our independance, right?

I guess this guy will always put words and thoughts on paper and some may even see his words as being the work of a free thinker( that is if his words ever get seen). But how our thoughts and words are governed will be called our government. Expressions that lack the conformity needed to preserve that government will always be seen as a luxury and such luxuries must be hidden, right?

I Wonder What Good it Does to Wonder

There are many questions. Im not sure that everyone is really looking for answers. I mean I think that sometimes people decide on thier approach to things too quickly.

I have no formal degree.... who am I kidding....I have no degree of formality. However I have studied the ways that people look at diversity all day everyday since the day I was born. I woke up in the morning thinking about it and I went to bed at night thinking about it.

I havent always known how to appreciate all diverse expressions. I must admit that there have been times in my life that I chose to see how I was different as being a better kind of difference than someone elses. Playing the fool can come easy especially when you have someone to show you how conveinient it can be.

I guess I cant respect age as much as some people can. My aging process seems to occur a little differenty than some peoples. The term, "Act your age" seems to sum up what I do pretty well. Everyone has some grasp of cause and effect that helps them to mature but I never seem to experience the same sequential patterns as how lots of the ways I hear people tell about how thier lives go.

Since diverse expressions has been my feild of study for so long, I have lots of stored memories about the causes and effects of how diversity can be approached. The study does include my own mistakes as well as what Ive studied in how others do things. Its O.K. that my mistakes have helped me to learn but its not always as easy to dismiss how Ive hurt others. You cant always take things back that youve done wrong and you cant always no how badly your decisions might have hurt someone else.

I still have today and I have the rest of my days and I can make better choices based on what Ive learned.

Its hard for me to express my faith. Probably because I havent found people who have experianced alot of things that I have that has brought me to believe what I do. I am where I am for a reason and have so much to contribute. I have the ability to care and Im so grateful for that.

I feel burdened by how some people are choosing to look at diverse expressions. Im very concerned about the lives that are lost because of thinking that is inapppropriate at best and evil at worst.

Im burdened by what I know that is wrong and I cant yet tell about.

When I hear about parents who are studying what they can see as diverse expressions and neurodiversity.... its so exciting to think about how these kids are going to grow up and what contributions they will make. Its so exciting to think about how everyone who is looking at things this way will be able to contribute to our future.

This effects every aspect of my future. It can make so much difference and it is so necessary given the alternatives and what can come of that way of looking at things.

Ive always believed that the day would come that I could be productive and contribute something. Even when sometimes I made bad decisions about how I saw diverse expressions including those of my own....believe me when I tell you, I thought about it ALL the time.

Sometimes I record meltdowns on this page and write about how it feels to be so stuck. That aint nothing new. The difference is that today Im experiancing difficulties with hope like Ive never had. Like I said Ive spent most of my life thinking about what Im now realising is really possible.

I wouldnt trade todays problems with any that Ive ever had. These are the best problems that Ive ever hoped for.

Wondering can take a person to many places ....sometimes in ways that are too informal for anyone to see what value they have....but dont ever forget how wonderful wondering about the right things can be.

Puzzled

Ive got it all together going on. I am a work in progress and that work is me.

While others may take apart each peice of my neurodiversity and evaluate what is dis eased about it, it is such evaluations that makes the roads I travel less easy.

I can repeat every song that they taught me. I can play every tune. However, this kind of music can never really be mine.

I have worked with others who have similar veiws to write my constitution. It contitutes what I think and feel and the constitutional rights that it decribes are joked about and discarded by those who claim to be empowering the majority with the formal rules of conformity.... as we fail to meet their standards.

Every piece of what is my self tells a story that is complete. Even the times that I feel broken and work to evaluate how and why it breaks is something I own.

Sticks and stones will break my bones and I have words that will take sticks and stones and even dirt that is thrown at me, and use them to build a beautiful house that will both liberate and protect my self.

What I have done that has hurt others must be accounted for but that account is in my name and it is my choices that will determine its balance.

No evaluation of my behavior can create a course that will lead me to become more normal unless or until I can define what normal should be.

No ribbon wearing, statistic sharing society of policy makers can raise awareness of who I am until they are willing to meet the me that is me.

I dont have to want to adapt to an environment that was designed by and for people unlike myself. I just get to. So why have some of those designers found time and energy to exploit my uniqeneess when it would be so much easier for them to design ways to adpt and celebrate it? I have so much to offer and I long to express myself in so many unique ways.

Why do they insist on descibing what I do as an exit from their highway of conformity. They want to travel in the fast lane on the beltway by claiming to be proping me up in their vehicle like what they consider a crash test plastic shell. These drivers have no right to evaluate anyones experiance in such demeaning ways. Besides, if you stay on the beltway long enough, you just end up right back where you started anyway.What do they really gain?

I own the piece of me that senses many things in ways that alot of others dont.

I own the piece of me that lacks ease and dont choose to call it a disease.

I own the piece of me that can laugh at what constitutes my sense of humor and sometimes I even get to laugh at myself and the clumbsy choices I make.

I have pawned pieces of me that I have trouble buying back.

Sometimes I have made choices that have hurt others and I am responsible for those choices and the grief that results.

I even own the pieces of me that I can only describe as injured and the pieces that are involved in the experiance of confusing thoughts and physical seizures. Such frustrations are sometimes a part of my experience.

However these pieces are not meant to be evaluated in demeaning ways even if they are less conveinient for the majority rule. These pieces make up one whole person and that person is me. This picture may may not be completly visible and it may not even be finished....but it makes up completly all of me and it is mine.

Acceptance Happens

Acceptance changes the veiwer as well as the veiwed. The earlier it happens the more productive we can be.

All the awareness that we ever hoped for may not need to be searched for at all. Sometimes what we want to happen or are trying to make happen gets all tied up in the expectations of what to many people are telling us is supposed to happen.

Quiet sometimes scares me. If nobody else is doing something, then maybe I need to.

Sometimes I feel that if I ever stop moving for too long that I wont be able to move or maybe I already went where I wasnt supposed to go. The more I feel as though Im stoping, the more concerned I am that my movement wont be controled in a comfortable way.

The ideal of graceful movement causes all my thoughts to be centered on any formal expression I can think of that may bring about some measure of productivity that wont shame or degrade how others see themself or me. I seek to ground my thoughts, coordinate my body, and my words.

Ive never minded working toward my goals but nothing frustrates me more than stuckness. I dont need to control how my body responds to every situation but stuckness is so often associated with seizure.

People who seek to control how their mind and body becomes stagnet and seizes may seek to express them selves in many ways that are not only comfortable to experiance but are also uncomfortable for others to watch.

When you dont have it, this kind of control or graceful movement can dominate someones thoughts. I watch such difficulty in other people and I see it WAY to much in myself. I see it on the internet as I watch others who are struggling with it. I can actually hear it in the way that they write and empathize as I experiance the same as well.

Something about movement disorders always leaves me wondering.... Would they be so stressful if more people talked about how it made them feel? If we could allow more of our movements that were less formal and more disorderly to be O.K. both in how we appear that shows in what we write....wouldnt that at least reduce some of the anxioty about what otherwise makes us feel ashamed about things we really dont need to feel that way about? I wonder....

Kids and Grown-ups

All kids grow up. Some at different rates and some in different ways. Most of my life Ive spent thinking about how too much is expected of kids to be something that theyre not.

Its true, kids need space to do things in diverse ways. Autism may require the people in someones environment to see their challanges and be creative about recognising and encouraging their strengths.

Today Im reminded that Im responsible for how I feel about people. I cant change how everyone feels about me but how I feel about them effects how I see things. I can get very upset by how people treat me but I can get equally hurt by how I choose to deal with the emotions I have about how Im treated. I cant afford to hold on to hurt.

When someone takes on the responsibility of bringing someone into this world they are responsible for that. Ive always considered that but maybe there is something that I havent considered that I need to.

Lots of things about growing up have often scared me. Much of my growing up has to do with things Ive learned that I really dont need to be concerned about. Many things about being a kid are things that Im really glad Ive kept. The alternatives that some people choose can get pretty ugly.

Getting married has given me many times where I just felt that Id never be typical in all the ways that some others are. Fortunately, my wife allows me to remind her of some kids stuff that she had forgotten about herself and wasnt so acostomed to before we met.

My mother shared such experienses with me as well. But Im not the only one that reminded her of such things. There was someone in my mother's and my life that we both felt needed to be more grown up and responsible. We wasted alot of time grieving over his behavior. So often we wished he would just grow up. Imaturity was just the best way I knew to evaluate his behavior. Now I have better ways of seeing it.

There seemed to be a connection that we hoped for that never happened in quite the way it seemed to for other families. My mother held it together with quite a few diverse expressions within our family. Looking back I wish that more had been seen by us all as just diverse expressions instead of the burdens we carried with our own expectations and the ones we allowed society to decide for us.

However, as I said, how I deal with what has hurt me will make a difference in how much joy I get to experiance.

Today Id like to give an opportunity to a child. (Not an old autistic man that never grew up but just a man like any man who has a child with in him that it can always be good for people to recognise). I have often grieved for this child for reasons I didnt need to at all. That really didnt help him or me either. Hes been alive for a pretty long time. He is more mature in some ways and less in others. Hes my father. Ive never known him very well but Ive wasted alot of time wishing he was more than the behaviors that he displayed. Today I know he is.

When we find different roles for ourselves, we provide the opportunity for others to play different roles as well.

Ive often in my life found ways to see how the homeless, and the institutionalised have dealt with and experienced things that I know that myself or no one else has the right to judge them for. No one can ever be sure that they would do things differently given the same circumstances because no two people have ever been given the same circumstances.

There is no reason to believe that your child wont mature beyond what my father, or I, or anyone else hasnt. It doesnt mean that anyone else wont, hasnt, or cant make better choices. Im just trying to make things better for me and maybe even those who are important to me. We all have different equitment and different cicumstances to deal with. Im not writing here about what other parents of autistics or other autistics (or anybody else) should or shouldnt be doing. ( I guess I should clairify that more often.)

All Im talking about is that sometimes *my* expectations hurt rather than help. That would seem to go for parents of children and children of parents. Im not meaning to be making a judgement about others though. It also doesnt mean that wrong isnt still wrong. It is.

I havent made the same allowances for this child (my father)that I try to recognise and accept as the child that is in each and every other person. You see this man wasnt just supposed to be any grown-up. He was supposed to be my grown up. What we think kids are supposed to be can waste so much of our time. There is no cut-off date for these expectations (even after they become parents....even when they are *our* parents).

There is also no cut-off date for when a child can learn something. Im real glad for that or I would have never learned what Im expressing here.

Sure, Ill still challange the system. The beaurocrats sometimes seem to have too much space and they crowd and cramp those who they need to serve. But each individual one of them has a child within them that gets crowded and cramped on regular basis too.

To protect our most vulnerable is our primary responsibility. How I challange all that is wrong and all I know about those that I know are being hurt, will always be a part of what I choose to change and make better. I must continue in this effort. We all need to be made more aware of such things and find ways to challenge these systems. The people who are being hurt by them have no one else to depend on for the changes that they so desperately need. I wish I knew better ways to do this and I wont quit trying.

There is a vulnerable child inside even those who are hurtful to others. People who hurt vulnerable others cannot ever be justified in their actions. Somehow there must be a way to help them feel a more imediate emotional response within themselves to the pain they inflict on others. This vulnerable side of beaurocrats needs to be addressed. If a way to stop the bad things they are doing cant be found, their behavior must have consequences. I just feel that I have to find a way to reach them. They need to be made aware of everyone that they are hurting.

As for the old kid that I felt cheated for not getting to know....the one whom I needed to understand for himself where his hurt was coming from and how he needed to find ways to heal, accept, and show compassion for himself and others.... Im going to find ways to do that in my heart for him in ways he hasnt yet been able to do for himself.

Sold on Sunshine

Sunshine encourages so much in our lives. Its hard to imagine life without it.

A day without sunshine is like.... night.

Morning light can remind of us hope. We can begin each new day with the gratitude that we have been given one more opportunity to do what we have known for so long that we should and must do....We may be reminded that the time will come that we dont have one more day....or that someone else that may not have tommorrow needs to hear something from us.

Afternoons are times for reflection. Maybe in the afternoon we will feel less energetic and need to remember that it all doesnt depend on us. There may be times that we need to see what influence our silence has on our environment. It may be a time that we need to be more influenced than influencing. Maybe our energy needs to be restored.

Light can help us see things. But we cant like all that we see. We also cant choose to see everything. There is a danger in that.

Just as there are choices in the natural order of things, human nature is in a constant state of making choices and responding to them. When we are concious of those choices, they can create such exilerating clairity....and clairity is the creation of shadows.

When chasing dreams we may move too quickly past what is important. Subtle movement can sometimes be the force that is making the difference in what we want to influence or how we need to be influenced. We cant encourage diversity without recognising the limitations that need to be placed on how we look at formality.

Shadows are a vital factor in our ability to see.... weather we have our eyes open or not or even if we dont have use of our eyes. Shadows will be created in our very soul. Shadows will be created in our society as we gravitate to the brightest that our limited imagination will allow us to see. Shadows will define our boundries and it is those very boundries that will decide our future. We cant afford to lose site if this.

A Place I Like to Go

There is a beautiful place. Its quiet and peaceful. Im as alone there as Ive ever been and Im never lonely when Im there.

Everyone there knows everything about all the problems in the world and still senses how right things are.

Every side to every issue is completly understood and no one argues. Every aspect of the environment is respected and every aspect of every animal is appreciated.

This place does not exist without human weakness's but in spite of them. Frailty of the human spirit is not only understood but treated with kindness and encouragement and there is healing.

Opinions are fleeting. They occur like the water that pass's over stones and makes them smooth.

Each individual struggles to survive but there is no need for dominance. All important matters are ultimately decided by the common compassion that we share rather than itellectual debates.

We find great relief in the humor of how we used to begin with how passionate we felt about the most important issues on earth and some of the places that our passions took us....and we laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

The issues we debated were the result of the most cold and evil kind of thinking that we saw in others but somehow we thought that if one kind of thinking was the problem then there must be an opposing line of thought that solve the problem. Somehow we were fooled into believing that we owned thoughts.

We had divided schools of thought like we divided land. We bought it, sold it, and allowed dominant thinkers to decided its value. Somehow it seemed worth it if we could save lives and reduce suffering. But the more we argued our thoughts became inslaved by our emotions. They became less rational and the values that we placed on our personal human expressions became more important than the human expressions we were trying to preserve and celebrate in the first place.

We thought and we felt. We thought about what we felt and then we explored the feelings that our thoughts had prompted.

The first time someone said, " I was wrong and Im sorry " they were seen to be picking there battles. However, as time went on, all battles became more fleeting and compassion became more of our conscience thought patterns. We found ways to show love for what we saw and the love we found ways to show didnt really require that much thinking at all.

Not only did our compassion find ways of smoothing the sharp edges of our words but the better ways that we said things created healing within ourselves.

None of who we were as people was lost and the issues that we defined our position on were no less serious and no less in need of the efforts we made to resolve them.

But there was this place we could go that we had forgotten about. At first there is always grief over what we have sacrificed with our approach and then.... we all experianced joyful laughter as we realized where we were.

The Minutes of Todays Meeting

It was never supposed to be this way. No one ever promised me that there would be enough time.

No one ever told be that I saw things in the way that they are. Night seems to follow day fairly consistantly but I cant always even depend on that. At least not beyond what I cliam has occured during that time. My claims are just that. My claims.

I can tell you what I remember about how I saw something and I may even be able to tell you who recorded what and when. However, that wont allow me to own history anymore than the recorders who made choices about what they decided was important enough to record, owns anything more than what they decided. They own their decisions and I own mine. Thats all.

History doesnt repeat itself as though it has a mind of its own. Many minds choose how they see what happens and how they use what they think they saw. All this influences the future.

An evaluation of behavior cant determine the worth of behavior. There are so many ways to validate and appreciate autistic expressions that havent even been invented yet. Sadness from what results from broken dreams may be very real but those dreams (broken or otherwise) arent independant of value judgements. Changing how we see things wont just give us comfort. It also liberates the person who is expressing what we are looking at. It may not fix your life or even fix the moment . However, over time it can make a big difference....Im absolutly sure of that.

A bridge over troubled waters may be too high for the conveinience of someone traveling in an airplane and too low for someone traveling in a tall ship. But that doesnt change the functioning of the bridge. Besides the troubled waters that people need to cross over may be troubled because of value judgements anyway. It may be that the trouble is because people expect too much conformity for some and the confine others to ugly glares. Bridges always serve a function and should never be dismissed too conveiniently.

Of course we have met. You just dont remember because you didnt see me very well. Your focus kept wandering over my head or under my boots. But we were both there at the same time and we met. Do you remember what I said? It wasnt recorded but it was important to me. I remember what others said at that meeting because it seemed to be important to others.

It may not have been the kind of meeting you were acostomed to since I happened to be there. Do you remember what was accomplished or what was even decided to be the goals of the meeting? I got lost in the formality of it all. Whose expressions were seen as being valid by the majority? Whose words or expressions were seen as making sense? What direction was decided on? Was everyones veiw of that direction agreed on by anything more than a vote that was made by a show of hands? Did my vote count? Did I express myself in a way that was typical enough to be seen as worthy of anyones attention? Did anyone change their mind about anything based on what I said or did? Did it make a difference in what was voted on or how many people voted for it? Do I make a difference?

Time and the way history is recorded may be relative but you will never convince me that if everyone making the decisions about stuff cared enough.... that it wouldnt make all the difference that is needed to make everything alot better. How the decisions about stuff are made is completly dependant on how much people care. It just is.

Formal Forest

Ice is every bit as deceptive as fire. Both are naturally occuring. Both can alter our environment. Both are a force that can not be denied.

Fires are destructive and snow is pretty ....unless you are cold.... or hungry and fire is what you need to cook with.

Definitions of time and space, like states of human consciousness and behavior, become formal amost as soon as someone finds a way to say what they see.

One cant see the forest for the trees and for another its the other way around. Relativity seems like such a break from conformity when someone finds a way to describe it. But the words they use can also create a conformity of its own. Why is there such comfort in words? It seems to me that more often I need to find comfort in what I cant define and remember that there is beauty in what remains undefinable.

I am drawn to work and formal expressions like a moth is drawn to a flame. The diagnosticians say that my executive functioning is severely deficeited. Sure thats why I love it when I can concentrate on a project or follow a series of thoughts that are acknowleged by others as productive..... but how can someone else claim that my executive functioning is deficeited? I mean, I didnt consult them when the executive was elected and they have no right to evaluate the job performance of something or someone whom they are so poor at identifying.

How can anyone claim that my attention is deficeited when they dont know what Im paying attention to and why that is important to me?

I seek a formal education and a design for a vocation that will allow me to produce what is more valuable to others so that I can contribute more to the lives of people whom I appreciate and want to be appreciated by. However, this will not validate me or my experiance anymore than I (or anyone) can be devalued by the lack of such formality.

The most misinterpreted expressions are those that are considered lazy. No human being on the face of this earth has ever been lazy. If anyone could be correctly defined by such a word, it would be those who conveiniently use the word lazy to dominate people and their expressions that they arent willing to try to understand.

Humanity has not survived by the glory of the strength of its deeds. Instead our only survival is as it has always been, in how we validate the expressions that become discarded as the frailty.... that we see in others and abuse because of how we fear it in ourselves.

Attributing responsibility to individuals has too often been a method that society uses to escape the acknowlegement of the efforts of people. These efforts need to be explored by the comprehensive learning and understanding of an individual. Its not only about who they are and how they are made but how they function best and what they think is important. Given such a comprehensive approach, no one will be found to be lazy. Lazyness is not a part of human nature. The willingness to dimiss others by descibing them as lazy, and promote the glory of ones own efforts too often does seem to come naturally in a very ugly way.

Kindness and compassion can fuel the human heart and make people aware of expressions that even transend verbal expression. To allow ones heart to grow cold can blind people to so many wonderful expressions and freeze and stiffle what they hatefully glare at.

Untitled

I wish I could express how much I wish I could prevent writing this. I have often written about how much I hate debate. I dont think that conflict is something that anyone really enjoys but people often feel that one conflict is worth chosing over another.

Its not that I havent seen enough. Maybe Ive seen too much. To be honest, Im starting to realize that not only is what Im seeing very relavant but also the reason that its relavent is because some things are worse than I thought....I am not free to write about things that I must.

My choice would be to post encouraging messages everyday. Someone once suggested that my writing was cathartic. As best as I understand that word it doesnt describe why or how I write.

Describing things with a sense of humor or writing about encouraging thoughts is liberating but its not like Im writing to dig into my innermost thoughts in order to find better ways of expressing who Im am and creating a more self aware me. Instead its more like when I write in happy and fun ways, I get to go there along with my words.

I renewed my blog recently in hopes that I could stay away from some of the subjects that I previously wrote about. Maybe I will be able to avoid some of the wrong ways that I approached those subjects but they dont go away. To not risk making mistakes online seems to mean that I would have to stop blogging. I dont know where the balance is.

Im sure that there are situations where there are supports for autistics that are just ineffective and costly. Some treatments are brutal and cause bad health problems. I know that there are societal veiws of autistics that are as bad as what is ultimatly leading to murder. Even worse such actions are being justified.

What I have seen is being descibed by others in different ways every day that reminds me how relevant what Ive seen is. I cant really tell how wide spread it is but Im seeing that is very widespread.

This post is not a personal request. It also may not be very encouraging. However, whats the point in continuing, if I never tell anything. I understand that what Im saying here is a very generalized statement. If you are someone who fights for the rights of autistics, you are not just in the minority.

For what I am facing (and many others also) it seems more practical to say that such practical advocacy does not exist. Its hard to get people to help fix a problem that they think isnt real. Will the belief continue to be that this is a minority veiw of things? There are many that feel helpless and wont be speaking about it.

Some are afraid that as bad as things are, there is a very real threat that speaking up or even attempting to do so will only make things worse. The threats have been made very real. They have a good reason for feeling this way. The only way for things to change is for people to get involved that at least have less to lose. I guess its pretty hard for people to realize that the silence they keep doesnt preserve anything but their job. However, thats pretty much all it does do. In the long run it doesnt even do that.

My experiance has been that the idea that people have that there is such practical advocacy for autistics, is why people are dismissed when they say they need it. What I have seen is that agencies that are claimimg to advocate for this population are bogus. In other words, they have an agenda that is to provide appearances to prevent people from seeking other help. Some of this is justified by claimimg that regulation would prevent services that these agencies are providing to others. What they are over looking is too bad to be justified in any way.

Too many people are being hurt. I get very upset by hearing anyone saying something like get a lawyer or seek out an advocate as if such support actually existed. Basically what Im saying is that it does not exist. Anyone who wants to really advocate for autistics knows that to reveal too much or even look into matters where they know that the situation is very bad would mean that to do so would be to risk their position. Therefore they justify that if they risk their position they would not be able to help anyone....Sounds sweet but it stinks. They are no longer helping anyone anyway.

Maybe some advocates (no, Im not talking about autistic self-advocates) start out with ideals but when they see all the complications of being effective as they had hoped.... there are many complicated factors....Someone has to speak up about this matter. I really dont know how.

Im not thinking that Im going to post some blog and people who werent aware are going to suddenly become aware. It was really alot more comfortable when I had no idea if anyone was reading my blog or who the people were that was reading it. Actually, now Im thinking that the people who are reading this already know alot of what Im talking about. The last thing I want to become is some kind of crusader. I cant hadle what Im dealing with now. Why would I want to take that on? I wouldnt and I dont.

I dont want to go on somebody elses page and write alot about this. I dont want to make people nervous that Im going to start something on their page. Im really starting to realize that alot of people are like me and dont know what to do.

I want to spread the message of hope. I want to go somewhere else online and find people talking about solutions that we can all use. Hows this?Its optimistic (not pessimistic) to identify problems because until they are identified and accepted as being problems, they cant be discussed and no solutions can begin.

Writing a post like this doesnt come with any kind of agenda. Im real nervous and upset about doing it. I just dont know what else to do. The situation stinks and people just cant give up. Maybe it doesnt sound like it but this *is* hope. At least its the best way I know how to express it.

Inspiration

There never was time for unplanned moments. They are never stale. Trying to buy, sell, or compare them just robs them of what they are.

When laughter cant be stored and reused, it helps me appreciate my emotions. When greif is fresh it seems like a life sentance. Glad reminds me that there will always be glad times. Why does sad try to steal my hope of knowing that things always change? It doesnt have to be that way.

I love creating tapes that prepare for unexpected spaces. Im allowed to sense those spaces with such clairity of thought. They never demand too much of me and they never betray me.

I cant always afford to trust in what I would most like people to be or that what they will do is always predictable.

Sometimes I would like to know that I will always find good ways to respond to every situation. Eventually I have to trade what Id like to think I know for what I just hope people will understand....and then maybe Ill understand better.

There is something about knowing that everything is going to be O.K. that reminds me that my everything needs to include what wont for what will to have a chance at surviving.

There is always someone who can use my encouragement. There will always be something left for me to be grateful for.There is always something growing and changing that can remind me of whats really important.

Being inspired doesnt require that I see good things happening or even that I know that time hasnt stopped. Too often I depend on being inspired by what I have control over. There is just as much inspiration in being reminded of what I have no control over. I often get a charge out of thinking about all I have the opportunity to do. Today Im comforted by the reminder that its not all up to me.

There

Nothing was ever designed to stop but time and roads.

Time was meant to be contemplated like the beating of our heart and the choices that we make in between what has already been decided for us.

Music is the design of tones and vibrations that combine with silence to remind us that movement is all we ever hoped it would be.

How can a behaviorist explore the true value of an expression, if their ultimate goal is to change or fix it. How can fixing or changing anything begin with anything other than a value judgement.

Courage comes from the heart. If the values that are thought to be ideal dont begin with compassion, the typical goals of behaviorist will claim that all journeys are in the name of progress.

Broken spirits may be saddled and trained, but to call that encouragement is like scuplting ice and justifying your art by realative comparisons. "If it was all water in the first place, my manipulation of it is no better or worse than what caused it to freeze."

My memory is limited to so many recordings. I spend my life randomly sensing what rarely makes sense. I feel sentanced by veiws of my experiance that would rather see what Ive become like the victimization of my own design and my own ignorance.

My values seem too often like burdens on those who need to be proud of their choices. My gratitude nor my empathy cannot be respected as long as my jouney doesnt reflect to others what Ive given.

Glory, pride and greed cant be used as excuses just to avoid a slothful and aborant existance. But neither does empowerment describe how all broken spirits have overcome diversity. That would imply that diversity was always a burden to be carried by and for the noncompliant.

Diversity cant just be how we are made. It cant glorify the choices that we make as though we all have the same environment and the same mechanical equitment.

The passion to overcome our circumstances cant just be inclusive of our compassion for others. Instead compassion for others is a necessary ingredient for any kind of overcoming anything. Our very survival depends on our constant attempts to find ways to meet people where they are.

Yes, compassion is a burden. However, it can never be conveiniently dismissed. We must carry others with us. Too often leading by example seems to afford one the expense of letting go of the hand of the person behind you. It seems like marching with pride rather than being willing to soil the knees of your pants when you have to crawl next to someone who isnt marching. As though we have all had the same opportunities and every marcher teaches crawlers that they dont need to act in such demeaning ways. As though suffering demeans us all.

Or even worse, that diversity of someones existance can be summed up as nothing more than their choices, and be used as stepping stones for those who will claim that they have simply made better choices.

Its never that simple. Its never that conveinient. This is not an affordable expense for any society. More importantly no individual can afford these illussions either.

Behavioral therepy is a formality. Its a set of assimilating structures and restrictive calculating values that are all dressed up with no place to go. It awaits formal education as a dancing partner that seperates and excludes in the name of glory what can only shame those who demand the dance and those who are told thet they just arent willing to face the music.

As if all music were designed by elitist and carved in stone....
rather than the observation of all diversity.... that is fluid enough to include what overly restrictive designs.... and the expectations are created by them.... It is so limiting to what can be truly appreciated.

No grace or ordinance has preserved me based on my being favored over another but there is also no wisdom in selection or exclusion of any human experiance that is based on ability.

Those who experiance autism by label or association, seem to be emoting about every aspect of it. At least the public veiw shows little else. Diversity is, as it always has, brought out the best and the worst nature of humankind.

My memory is very random. I rattled off a few facts that temporarily rested in my memory bank some years ago, that resulted in my passing a few test during my few years in school. But when the test was over it never seemed to matter. I know I took a few exams but honestly I remember failing every one of them. There is a story that explains some of this but lots of it doesnt even make sense to me.

Some music that Ive listened to a thousand times, I couldnt repeat the words to on any given day at any given time. There is really no information that I could put into words at any given moment.

Im usually as stagnet as the chair Im sitting in and as mentally mobile as the music that Im listening to.

Of course I want formal patterns that help me to relate better to my environment. I want to learn to play a musical instrument. I want to learn sign language to be able to communicate with my mother with a web cam. I want to talk to my wife. I want to read and write and decifer numbers.... Its not like I havent always wanted to do these things. Of course I have. Claiming that I havent tried isnt just exclusive and mean. Its absurd. Does this sound like quiet desperation? If so, Id like to know how you define work.

I have to concern myself with the social results of my actions. As an autistic who is what I am and knows what I know, I cant think of anything more dangerous than my choosing to be silent.

Psychology and behavioralism upset every part of my constitution. The role that they play in my future may have a profound effect on me. Thats just it. Vulnerability and aborance are both parts of me that I must challange.

I wish that my ability to perform were better understood and could be entrusted to designers that knew how valuable my expressions already are. As random as my thoughtlife may be, how I respond to my evironment and whom I allow to join me in the design of that path, requires me to make responsible decisions.

Where I move, how I move, and even if I move, has to be accepting of where I am.

There is Never Time

If film is a series of photographs then how does film making work differently than what we see?

If we have the technology to adjust the clairity of a photogragh why are we so limited in improving our own vision?

Film can be slowed down but whenever someones life acts in slower motion than typical speed, our reponses to our environment are scrutitized and evaluated by a standard that seems too confining.

If psychiatrist are artist rather than scientists maybe more of them should take up mosaics or watercolors and quit trying to dominate and devalue human experiances that they dont understand.

When youre wearing short pants on a hot day, there seems to be something about a metal sliding board that leaves one wanting to spend time on the swings....and eventually youre mind begins to wonder.... if you go high enough.... can you make it all the way around or will you reach the point where your momentum slows down and you pause.... and gravity decides your fate.

Some clocks tick all day everyday and never jerk. Since winding a clock is so much more dependable, Im wondering if the people who chose batteries for clocks were trying to stimulate the economy or redefine the laws of physics. Either way if physicians could no longer evaluate time in coordination with insurance companies, they may be able to evaluate other things better.

Traffic lights cant manipulate the decisions of drivers any more than a hypnotist can manipulate someones state of conciousness. One driver is always going to see a yellow light as a signal to speed up, just like there will always be
nonconformists than would rather swing on vines than make baskets out of them.

Why did the witch in the Wizzard of Oz have to melt. Would pouring ice water over her have caused her to break like glass?

The sun will shine and the moon will glow....What happened to Pluto is what I want to know. I liked Pluto.

Any nation thats has so much trouble getting 52 states to unite on anything should quit trying to define states of consciousness or at least citizens should be allowed to vote on such things.

There is no value in a formal education if the attainment of it is a means by which someone can evaluate and degrade an informal school of thought like it was nothing more than a school of fish who lacked the sophistication of self awareness. Such posturing lacks class.

Debating can promote ignorance if defining issues that are important is nothing more than a way of claimimg that views that cant be elequently verbalized are random thoughts that can only exist amongst less evolved lifeforms.

Years occur in the minds eye that that never splinter into conciousness that can be defined by 365 days. You cant buy or sell a minute until you arrogently claim you owned it in the first place.

Expressions of thought cant liberate anyone until the purity of human compassion is seen as more important than the clairity of any mechanical brain.