Thursday, December 14, 2006

Puzzled


Ive got it all together going on. I am a work in progress and that work is me.

While others may take apart each peice of my neurodiversity and evaluate what is dis eased about it, it is such evaluations that makes the roads I travel less easy.

I can repeat every song that they taught me. I can play every tune. However, this kind of music can never really be mine.

I have worked with others who have similar veiws to write my constitution. It contitutes what I think and feel and the constitutional rights that it decribes are joked about and discarded by those who claim to be empowering the majority with the formal rules of conformity.... as we fail to meet their standards.

Every piece of what is my self tells a story that is complete. Even the times that I feel broken and work to evaluate how and why it breaks is something I own.

Sticks and stones will break my bones and I have words that will take sticks and stones and even dirt that is thrown at me, and use them to build a beautiful house that will both liberate and protect my self.

What I have done that has hurt others must be accounted for but that account is in my name and it is my choices that will determine its balance.

No evaluation of my behavior can create a course that will lead me to become more normal unless or until I can define what normal should be.

No ribbon wearing, statistic sharing society of policy makers can raise awareness of who I am until they are willing to meet the me that is me.

I dont have to want to adapt to an environment that was designed by and for people unlike myself. I just get to. So why have some of those designers found time and energy to exploit my uniqeneess when it would be so much easier for them to design ways to adpt and celebrate it? I have so much to offer and I long to express myself in so many unique ways.

Why do they insist on descibing what I do as an exit from their highway of conformity. They want to travel in the fast lane on the beltway by claiming to be proping me up in their vehicle like what they consider a crash test plastic shell. These drivers have no right to evaluate anyones experiance in such demeaning ways. Besides, if you stay on the beltway long enough, you just end up right back where you started anyway.What do they really gain?

I own the piece of me that senses many things in ways that alot of others dont.

I own the piece of me that lacks ease and dont choose to call it a disease.

I own the piece of me that can laugh at what constitutes my sense of humor and sometimes I even get to laugh at myself and the clumbsy choices I make.

I have pawned pieces of me that I have trouble buying back.

Sometimes I have made choices that have hurt others and I am responsible for those choices and the grief that results.

I even own the pieces of me that I can only describe as injured and the pieces that are involved in the experiance of confusing thoughts and physical seizures. Such frustrations are sometimes a part of my experience.

However these pieces are not meant to be evaluated in demeaning ways even if they are less conveinient for the majority rule. These pieces make up one whole person and that person is me. This picture may may not be completly visible and it may not even be finished....but it makes up completly all of me and it is mine.

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