Monday, December 04, 2006


Nothing was ever designed to stop but time and roads.

Time was meant to be contemplated like the beating of our heart and the choices that we make in between what has already been decided for us.

Music is the design of tones and vibrations that combine with silence to remind us that movement is all we ever hoped it would be.

How can a behaviorist explore the true value of an expression, if their ultimate goal is to change or fix it. How can fixing or changing anything begin with anything other than a value judgement.

Courage comes from the heart. If the values that are thought to be ideal dont begin with compassion, the typical goals of behaviorist will claim that all journeys are in the name of progress.

Broken spirits may be saddled and trained, but to call that encouragement is like scuplting ice and justifying your art by realative comparisons. "If it was all water in the first place, my manipulation of it is no better or worse than what caused it to freeze."

My memory is limited to so many recordings. I spend my life randomly sensing what rarely makes sense. I feel sentanced by veiws of my experiance that would rather see what Ive become like the victimization of my own design and my own ignorance.

My values seem too often like burdens on those who need to be proud of their choices. My gratitude nor my empathy cannot be respected as long as my jouney doesnt reflect to others what Ive given.

Glory, pride and greed cant be used as excuses just to avoid a slothful and aborant existance. But neither does empowerment describe how all broken spirits have overcome diversity. That would imply that diversity was always a burden to be carried by and for the noncompliant.

Diversity cant just be how we are made. It cant glorify the choices that we make as though we all have the same environment and the same mechanical equitment.

The passion to overcome our circumstances cant just be inclusive of our compassion for others. Instead compassion for others is a necessary ingredient for any kind of overcoming anything. Our very survival depends on our constant attempts to find ways to meet people where they are.

Yes, compassion is a burden. However, it can never be conveiniently dismissed. We must carry others with us. Too often leading by example seems to afford one the expense of letting go of the hand of the person behind you. It seems like marching with pride rather than being willing to soil the knees of your pants when you have to crawl next to someone who isnt marching. As though we have all had the same opportunities and every marcher teaches crawlers that they dont need to act in such demeaning ways. As though suffering demeans us all.

Or even worse, that diversity of someones existance can be summed up as nothing more than their choices, and be used as stepping stones for those who will claim that they have simply made better choices.

Its never that simple. Its never that conveinient. This is not an affordable expense for any society. More importantly no individual can afford these illussions either.

Behavioral therepy is a formality. Its a set of assimilating structures and restrictive calculating values that are all dressed up with no place to go. It awaits formal education as a dancing partner that seperates and excludes in the name of glory what can only shame those who demand the dance and those who are told thet they just arent willing to face the music.

As if all music were designed by elitist and carved in stone....
rather than the observation of all diversity.... that is fluid enough to include what overly restrictive designs.... and the expectations are created by them.... It is so limiting to what can be truly appreciated.

No grace or ordinance has preserved me based on my being favored over another but there is also no wisdom in selection or exclusion of any human experiance that is based on ability.

Those who experiance autism by label or association, seem to be emoting about every aspect of it. At least the public veiw shows little else. Diversity is, as it always has, brought out the best and the worst nature of humankind.

My memory is very random. I rattled off a few facts that temporarily rested in my memory bank some years ago, that resulted in my passing a few test during my few years in school. But when the test was over it never seemed to matter. I know I took a few exams but honestly I remember failing every one of them. There is a story that explains some of this but lots of it doesnt even make sense to me.

Some music that Ive listened to a thousand times, I couldnt repeat the words to on any given day at any given time. There is really no information that I could put into words at any given moment.

Im usually as stagnet as the chair Im sitting in and as mentally mobile as the music that Im listening to.

Of course I want formal patterns that help me to relate better to my environment. I want to learn to play a musical instrument. I want to learn sign language to be able to communicate with my mother with a web cam. I want to talk to my wife. I want to read and write and decifer numbers.... Its not like I havent always wanted to do these things. Of course I have. Claiming that I havent tried isnt just exclusive and mean. Its absurd. Does this sound like quiet desperation? If so, Id like to know how you define work.

I have to concern myself with the social results of my actions. As an autistic who is what I am and knows what I know, I cant think of anything more dangerous than my choosing to be silent.

Psychology and behavioralism upset every part of my constitution. The role that they play in my future may have a profound effect on me. Thats just it. Vulnerability and aborance are both parts of me that I must challange.

I wish that my ability to perform were better understood and could be entrusted to designers that knew how valuable my expressions already are. As random as my thoughtlife may be, how I respond to my evironment and whom I allow to join me in the design of that path, requires me to make responsible decisions.

Where I move, how I move, and even if I move, has to be accepting of where I am.


At 2:28 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like a working definition of work too?
Best wishes

At 3:33 PM , Blogger Ed said...

Hi Mcewen,
Lets see, a working definition of work.... How this?

work -translation: Your friends will always find ways to validate who you are and your enemies wont understand what you try to do no matter how hard you try to explain.


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